“This Song Is Pretty Good,” Says Friend Who Clearly Hasn't Heard Hotel California by The Eagles

Reporting by Fear

“No dude, this song is amazing!” remarked James Maveril, blissfully unaware of the fact that the song he’s referencing will never compare to Hotel California, the 1977 single by American rock band The Eagles. “I mean, it’s so catchy, it’s been stuck in my head all day,” he claimed, foolishly ignorant of how The Eagles’ brilliant songwriters (Don Felder, Glenn Frey, and Don Henley, respectfully), could blow his rinky-dink children’s lullaby out of the water in a mere 4 minutes and 20 seconds, leaving just enough time to spare for a soul-wrenching, heart-palpitating, mind-melting, bowel-churning, 2 minute and 21 second Les Paul Gibson guitar-solo.

“But seriously, like, the lyrics speak to me,” James continued. Meanwhile, Don Henley’s penned masterpiece regarding drug addiction, greed and excess, the futility of romance, and the mythos of the American Dream continued to go unnoticed in the conversation, without even a mention of the composition’s B-minor to D-major chord shifts or influences from Spanish fandango and flamenco musical compositions, a clear nod to the effects that Spanish colonial influence has wrought on the Californian peninsula to this day. 

“Yeah, I wonder what drugs you have to be on to even make this kinda stuff,” offered James as a humorous retort. However, one need not wonder what kind of drugs the residents of Hotel California were on. With clear references to “Colitas,” or “marijuana” for the uninitiated, as well as “pink champagne on ice,” references to illicit substances clearly tie into the song’s theme of the addictive nature of fame and fortune, a habit hard to break once discovered. 

“But, I mean, I guess I would consider this my favorite song,” he concluded. Oh, James. Poor, sweet James. I give my regards to innocent baby boy James, who will never know what it is like to be able to check out anytime you like, yet never be able to leave.