Dear Mom and Dad: Summer Camp is Awesome!
Dear Mom and Dad, I’m having a great time at sleep away camp! I’ve taught myself how to play cat’s cradle and I’ve learned how to make a sidecar! It was hard pouring the cognac at first, but the bottle is a lot lighter now than it was three weeks ago. Grandma was the one who showed me. She also told me to write this letter. She said, “Tell my ungrateful son and his cooze of a wife to pick up their goddamn kid and, while they’re at it, bring a bottle of cognac!” Grandma is funny. Sometimes we play this game called “The Silent Game” where I have to be as quiet as I can be and, if I make any noise, I have to give her five bucks. She’s really good at it.
Grandma is always telling me to stop saying I’m at sleepaway camp, but I remember that’s where you told me I was going when you put me on that bus with my duffel bag and those printed off directions from MapQuest. It’s a lot different here than I pictured on that 17-hour bus ride. There haven’t been any camp songs or canoeing trips. And instead of sitting around a campfire and listening to spooky ghost stories, I have to listen to Grandma tell me about her summer in Atlantic City while I rub her feet. I never want to go under a boardwalk. Anyway, I think the most surprising thing about sleepaway camp is that there aren’t any other campers. Unless you count Chi-Chi, but she’s a 3-legged Pomeranian with a heart condition, or, as Grandma calls her, a “burden.” Sometimes Chi-Chi plays dead for a couple minutes even when I don’t tell her to. She’s a good dog.
Even though I’m having a lot of fun at camp, I have to admit that my bunk is kinda weird. The crawlspace is a lot dustier than my room at home and it smells like when my gerbil Herbert had that weird bump on his neck that exploded and all that liquid came out. I miss Herbert. I miss you guys too. Sometimes Grandma forgets to feed me. But at least I don’t have to do any math homework! I can’t wait to see you when you come pick me up! I wrote this on the backside of the MapQuest directions you gave me so you won’t get lost. I’m sure Grandma will be happy to see you too. Unless she hasn’t had her mid-morning cocktail, then she might make you guys play The Silent Game too.
Please don’t forget the cognac,