Freshman Guide: Breaking Up With Your High School Girlfriend When You’re TV Legend MacGyver
It’s nearing the end of summer after your senior year, and about time to have that uncomfy conversation with your high school girlfriend about choosing to stick it out for the long haul, or call it quits so you can start kissing anything that moves in an AEPi basement during Wildcat Welcome.
Luckily you’re Angus Macgyver and can get around any situation with nothing but a roll of duct tape and swiss army knife. Let’s walk through some common scenarios you’ll find yourself in, and some quick tips to get you out in a jiffy.
SITUATION ONE: It’s a week before your girlfriend leaves for UMich, you’re walking in a garden when she says ‘Ya know, it’s only a 4 hour drive to Chicago, we could spend weekends together…’. Your heart rate instantly increases as you survey the scene. Lean down and pretend like you’re plucking a flower for her. Grab a handful of dirt and cast it swiftly into her eyes before rolling to a safe distance.
You’ve bought yourself at least 30 seconds.
Start grabbing as many large leaves as you can. Ignore the wails of your girlfriend as you begin weaving leaves together as tightly as possible into a vaguely rectangular shape. When you’re pleased with your work rip up the nearest irrigation tubing and tie it to each end of your leaf structure. Cast the leaves into the sky and hold on to the tubing as you sail away. Conversation avoided.
SITUATION TWO: It’s later that day you’re sharpening your knife in your room when there’s a loud pounding at your door. It’s Stephanie.
She’s yelling “What the FUCK is wrong with you? Come out here!”
The lock is jiggling and you have minutes to act. Make a pile of your Axe spray deodorant in the middle of the room. Pour a trail of vodka from the pile to your closet. Rip the battery out of your alarm clock and grab a gum wrapper.
Once safely in your closet connect the terminals of the battery to ignite the wrapper, light the alcohol trail and wait for the cans to blow. The explosion should blast open your door and knock Stephanie against the wall of the hallway, she’ll be concussed, and unconscious for at least an hour. This was a close one but science came to the rescue once again.
If you follow this guide to the letter, your transition into single freshman will be a breeze!