Time Traveller Slowly Fades Away After His Parents Never Hook Up at Dance Marathon

by Dolphin Showmeyourbutthole and Daenerys Stormborn of the House Music, Worst of Her Name, the Sunburnt, Queen of the Sandals Resorts™ and the Fist Men, Khaleesi of the Great Ass Sea, Breaker of Chairs, and Mother of Dragon Tales™

Dear Diary,

I don’t know how long I have...I’m fading away as I write. The picture of my siblings will soon be blank—honestly, Jared deserved it, but anyway— I’m worried of what will become of me. God, what all went wrong, diary? Was it that I didn’t wash my hands?

It was the perfect plan. I would see my parents fall in love. The time machine would send me back to 2020, the weekend before “Dance Marathon”. This is where my parents first met: “in the tent” is what their wedding vows read. With this time machine, I would find MY home. Before it was a broken one. With any luck? I could even stop my parents’ horrible divorce.

I didn’t even think about the fact that I had a mild cold.

Doc warned me, he said: “Kid, don’t go right now, you have Coronavirus, and it’s deadly! In 2020, they don’t have universal healthcare yet! (#Bernie2020, he wins FYI) You could change the course of history as we know it!” But I didn’t care. I coughed into my palm and said, “Screw, you man! I wanna see my parents.” And I jumped right into that time machine. 

You can imagine my excitement when I first saw my parents at the hot, ripe, tight age of 19 years old. They looked amazing, and they were just beginning their flirtation.

I couldn’t help it! I shook my mom’s hand. I shook my dad’s hand. I shook a LOT of people’s hands, now that I think about it. I licked a bong. I hooked up with a member of the Bix after their show. In retrospect, I spread a lot of germs, but can ya blame me? I was so excited for the big dance.

Then suddenly: the email. “Dance Marathon is cancelled due to the Coronavirus.” Oh god, Doc was right-- I messed everything up! If they never hook up at the dance, then they’ll never get married at all!

What they don’t tell you, is that when you change history so that you cease to exist… your dick is the first to go. So, not to hoot my own horn, that took a while. And then, the legs. As I write this, I’m just a head and arms. I don’t have long. 

Good news is, I can tell you the cure for the virus! We figured it out by 2076! 

The cure is akh wdb ajdw;gwleibdd m bdasd ----

[END OF TRANSCRIPT. NORTHWESTERN ARCHIVES 2076]