The Bachelor: Quarantine Edition
By Eat Piss Play Love and (I) sl(am)med s(hard)s of glass into the b(right)est girl I k(now)
It’s the spring, and you know what that means… love is in the air. Birds are singing, bunnies are fucking, and you’re getting a little bit lonely couped up in your Indiana McMansion. So, why not find yourself a little romance to keep you warm during the quarantine season (while still adhering to social distancing guidelines, of course)? We here at Sherman Ave have come up with a list of the six most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes who you’re already in daily contact with.
Your Dad: Look, the only people you’re interacting with on a regular basis are family. Anyone else might be infected. So, to mitigate risk, you’re really gonna have to look within your house on this one. What’s worse: three eyed children (and breaking some sort of ancient and profound taboo) or the Coronavirus? No, what’s worse is giving your Dad any sort of satisfaction. He forced you to play T-ball. Don’t sleep with him.
Your Dog: No! That’s so fucked up! What’s wrong with you? He’s your best friend! Haven’t you seen any TV show? Best friends aren’t supposed to sleep together, it will basically fuck up your relationship for the rest of eternity! Next thing you know you’ll be flying across the country to wreck his wedding and thereby forever ruining your once pure relationship. Plus, it’s illegal or whatever.
Your Cat: Okay, I know you should be against animal fucking, but your cat’s a straight up ten. He’s aloof, has big Timothée Chalamet energy, and you already know that asshole’s clean.
Your Dead Grandma: We both know it, you’ve been eyeing that urn ever since you got back. Her smooth, literally porcelain skin is orgasmic to the touch, and she’s got curves in all the right places. Plus, you’ve always had a thing for older women.
Your Mom: I mean, c’mon man, we both know what you’re thinking… it’s too close to Mother’s Day to bang her. Wait until July at the earliest.
Yourself: It’s always best to love yourself. At least twice a day.
