New Vaccine Tactic: Get the vaxx or else Stanley Tucci will sleep with your wife

Reporting by Joan Q Sac

With nearly half of the American population refusing to get vaccinated, the Biden administration is doing everything it can to encourage people to get the shot. Now, they’re launching their biggest vaccine effort yet: the threat of being cuckolded by Stanley Tucci. The actor, known for his roles in The Lovely Bones and The Devil Wears Prada, has courageously agreed to make sweet love to the wife of every anti-vaxxer. 

Tucci, a man once described as “sultry'' by CBS, said of his decision, “It was time to use my sexiness for the benefit of all mankind. I’m ready to unleash my charisma on the anti-vaxx wives of America.”

Armed with a killer viagra prescription and the prize hog he was born with, the star is preparing for a non-stop fuckfest. In his cozy sex den dubbed the coitus castle, Tucci keeps millions of nonlatex condoms in stock in his bedside table. He quips, “It wouldn’t do to contract chlamydia when I’m trying to stop the spread of disease.” 

Husbands, beware! It is reported that Mr. Tucci is a sex god. He’s down for anything. That thing your wife wants to do that you’re afraid of, he’ll do it, no questions asked. He can be tender, he can be rough, or he can be anything in between. Even worse, he’s the king of aftercare. He’ll spoon her and make her an excellent frittata. 

Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy wrote in a press release, “Trust me, you don’t want this guy to screw your wife. You’ll never live up to him, never. He will make her dreams come true. Just get the shot. The temporary pain of the needle will never hurt as much as hearing your wife whisper ‘Stanley’ in her sleep.” 

To keep your wife from reaching her sexual potential with Stanley Tucci, get vaccinated. Otherwise, there’s a lifetime of sighs and sweet steamy memories.