1. Stealing from an Orphanage
Stale bread is the main source of nutrition at Saint Bethesda’s Home for Little Girls with No Parents and Many Disabilities. Those parentless, limbless little girls salivated at the thought of a stale French roll. Jennifer Lawrence would not let them have that happiness.
On February 20, 2014, the orphans huddled around the bread truck’s exhaust pipe to stay warm. The delivery man stepped out of the truck and opened the bed for a group of girls crying tears of joy at the thought of a winter donation. None of the orphans expected Jennifer Lawrence to be sitting in an empty truck, gorging herself on the final crumb. J-Law calmed the sobbing orphans by saying, “But, I eat pizza and I’m not all too concerned with my body image! Doopity doopity doo.” The orphans proceeded to laugh as if nothing had happened. J-Law proceeded to spread her wings and fly off into the night, taking an orphan in her claws back to her nest in Los Angeles.
2. Stabbing a Homeless Man with a Dirty Syringe
Smilin’ Joe was Hollywood’s favorite hobo until J-Law got to him. Smilin’ Joe wanted a quarter, but instead he got a dirty syringe full of black tar heroin and North Korean morphine. Now, in place of a smile, there is only foam and unhappiness leaking from Smilin’ Joe’s mouth.
The LAPD saw J-Law take the needle to Smilin’ Joe’s jugular and they attempted to arrest her at gunpoint. J-Law made a funny face and said, “I’m not afraid to fart.” The LAPD let her go and gave her The Good Samaritan Award.
3. Causing the 2008 Recession
There are some days where J-Law needs to redecorate her apartment. The only way she could do that is with Faberge Eggs, because they are the epitome of class. I don’t think I need to tell you folks that those babies aren’t cheap. What, did you think they would cost $1000? No way, Jose. We’re talking a couple billion for a respectable Faberge Egg collection. J-Law couldn’t pay for that on her Bill Engvall Show salary, so she needed to steal a bunch of cold hard cash from the people of the world. Thus, the liquidity crisis was born and the world had no money for like two years. But all was forgiven when J-Law told reporters “Hey, I like eggs okay! Derp.”
4. Hunting the Western Black Rhino to Extinction
Though busy with a schedule comprised of film shootings, PR campaigning, and being quirky, Jennifer Lawrence still finds time to hunt native African rhinos to extinction.
Lawrence, armed with an AK-47 for close range combat and a sniper rifle for coverage, landed her private jet on a piece of government protected land without a passport. She would continue by yelling, “Happy Hunger Games mother fuckers,” before emptying fifty clips of ammunition into every moving object in range of her vantage point. After claiming the lives of 4000 western black rhinos, Lawrence set fire to the grasses of Africa and watched as animals fled from their burning homes.
When the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) arrived to bring Lawrence into custody, she made a funny face and said, “Eating is my favorite part of the day.” The IUCN doubled over with laughter and let Lawrence go back to America. No charges were filed.
5. The Murder of Princess Diana
On August 31, 1997, the world lost Princess Diana to a fatal car crash in Paris, France. What the world does not realize is that Jennifer Lawrence is completely responsible.
Lawrence, who was dancing in front of oncoming traffic because “I’m mother fuckin’ Jennfer Lawrence,” as she explained, jigged into the lane where Diana’s oncoming car approached. As the car swerved to avoid the young starlet, Lawrence lifted up her mini skirt, stuck out her tongue, and threw her middle finger into the air while screaming “Quirky bitch, I’m a quirky bitch.”
When paramedics arrived at the scene, J-Law showed them some side boob and said she had no idea how the car spun into a cement pillar. Before leaving the scene, Lawrence peed on an unidentified body and shrugged like she didn’t know what she was doing while paparazzi giggled and took pictures.
6. The Oklahoma City Bombing
Most interviews of Jennifer Lawrence neglect to mention a 1995 incident when J-Law planted and detonated a bomb that destroyed the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building and claimed the lives 168 innocent people.
When the FBI questioned J-Law about the terrorist attack she committed, she gave the following reason: “The American people have given me too many awards and praise, and for that they must all burn.”
She then did the Carlton dance from Fresh Prince of Bel Air for a half hour. The FBI thought this was sooooooooo quirky and awesome that they decided to lift her of any blame for the national tragedy. Instead, they pinned it on Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols, who were put to death and sentenced to life in prison respectively.
Many of this young starlet’s fanbase fails to remember how J-Law led the Ottoman government against the Armenian people in 1915, murdering over 1.5 million people with her edgy tyranny.
Lawrence, who wanted to display her talent as an actress with her role as a violent military tyrant, gathered up the Armenian people and sent them to their deaths with quirky things like “poison gas” and “death marches”. When historians and human rights activists questioned Lawrence about her actions and attempted to hold her accountable, the actress tripped on her dress going up a flight of stairs and accepted an Oscar, clearing her of any crimes because she’s so “not afraid to be herself”. Lawrence is still under questioning for being found at the scene of tragedies such as The Vietnam War, pop star Aaliyah’s plane crash, and colonialism.
-Clint Taurus and Felix Jortex