Putting Your Best Foot Forward: Meeting Your BF’s*+ Parents At Dinner (Not at all inspired by true events from last weekend)
Okay, so if you’re all like, “Oh but parents LoVe Me! iM sO FaCKING CharMinGGGG!!@!!@YQ*@ COMM STUDIES FTW!” then fuck you. Because nobody’s perfect, and everyone can use some helpful reminders. No matter who you are, you’re not too good for my FOOLPROOF ADVICE. Read on.
Tip 1: Wear something sexy. If you have a tat, make sure the cut of the dress allows it to be seen. The more shocking, the better. I suggest a form-fitting Little Black Dress that shows off your juicy donk, tiny waist, and toned yoga legs. After all, why should you blow thousands of dollars on fitness classes and NOT let his parents know how it has benefitted you as a sex object? Aim for an outfit that makes your boyfriend drool at you across the table and achieve a boner through the fancy cloth dinner napkin on his lap. In essence, your clothing should state, “Mr. and Mrs. Whatever, your son is having GREAT sex. And that’s really the only thing that I bring to the relationship.” Parents love that.
Tip 2: Come prepared with a gift. Something simple like a framed nude selfie will do.
Tip 3: Make fun of their regional accents. Ask them to say words like “y’all” and then chuckle with cruel delight. Clap your hands excitedly, as if to say “Dance, monkey, dance!” Remember to demonstrate how refined and pure your own diction is. (Here is where it’s appropriate to scream “COMM STUDIES FTW”). No matter what, make them feel ashamed and like lesser beings.
Tip 4: Order something expensive and eat none of it. Casually hint at your slew of eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and all associated anxieties. Then cover it up by laughing a little too hard. OPTIONAL: Sneak a Xanax between sips of the expensive wine that they now regret ordering for the table.
Tip 5: Fart at the table and blame it on his mom. Call her an animal name of your choosing.
Tip 6: Make a slightly racist comment under your breath purely for the thrill of possibly being overheard. When they (inevitably) hear you, see OPTIONAL under Tip 4.
Tip 7: When they ask you about your short-term goals, respond with, “Two words: thigh gap.” This will really drive home your body issues. By now, you should really be winning them over.
Tip 8: Ask them what life was like without electricity. Follow up with a rapid fire, “JUST KIDDING! But really.” If they don’t laugh, throw water in their faces and jump onto your chair in a threatening position. Stand your ground until they laugh at your funny joke.
Tip 9: When they ask if you studied abroad, say yes, and proceed to explain how drugs often transport you to different lands. Nudge your boyfriend in an “Amirite?” manner. If they can’t relate/are fucking nerds, change the topic by asking “safe” question—anything universally relatable, like “Do you have Snapchat?”
Tip 10: Make out with the waiter. Bonus points if it’s a waitress.
By now, they are GUARANTEED to love everything about you. Now get out there, use this advice, and share your success story in the comments section!
The Infinite Guest
*I fully understand that there are very few Sherman Ave readers who even know: - what a boyfriend is -how to get one But that, my friends, is a different article entirely.
+I get it. DOMA. Change the genders/pronouns around if that works for you. Most of this advice is UNIVERSALLY brilliant anyway.
!On the internet, lying is not only okay, it’s expected.