Distraught Evanston Residents Hold Vigil for Whole Foods Storefront

Reporting by Eat Piss Play Love and We Bought a Zoo (2011)

This Saturday, residents of the town of Evanston had an emotional candlelight vigil for the Evanston Whole Foods. The Whole Foods, which had been an active member of the Evanston community for the past 10 years, was cruelly killed by a group of university protestors this past weekend. Evanstonians shared emotional testimonies as they celebrated the life of a building that was taken before its time, and criticized the protestors who did the awful deed.

“I’m okay with people fighting for their safety or whatever, but not at the cost of the life of a poor, innocent Whole Foods," said Jane Evans, as she dabbed her eyes with her "Mr. Pence, I'm Speaking" t-shirt. "When you attack a child of Amazon, that did nothing to you but give you love and kale salad, you hurt us all.” She then broke down crying into her reusable tote bag. 

Another resident, Robert Johnson, told the assembled mourners of the moment he heard the terrible news. “I was erecting spikes on park benches when I heard the news... I rushed over in an instant and started bawling when I saw the graffitied pigs on the place I once called home. It should’ve been me instead.” 

"I was so distressed I could barely evict any tenants all of yesterday! I was so busy crying!" said friendly neighborhood landlord Davis Dukeson. "To me, Whole Foods is Evanston. It's our local bodega, where we go to catch up, to see our friends. Of ALL colors. Well, I don't see color, but I assume of all colors."

A handful of Northwestern students spoke at the Vigil too. Weinberg senior Refhorm Griiklaif (no relation) had particularly strong words for the perpetrators of the violence. “To those protesters and their supporters who justify such actions, I ask you to take a long hard look in the mirror and realize the irreparable harm you are causing to our school rank.”

Even Northwestern President Morton Schapiro came to pay respects to the fallen building. "I know that Whole Foods. He went to my synagogue. And this awful, Antisemitic action is really painful to the Jewish community as a whole." When someone pointed out that Whole Foods are buildings, and can't actually have religions, he muttered "they called me piggy" and went "Wee wee wee," before running all the way home. 

Residents have set up a GoFundMe to support the Bezos family as they deal with this insurmountable loss.