Trump Insists It's Best Of Three

Reporting from Donald Cuck and Eat Piss Play Love

After the 2020 Election was called for Biden, the Donald Trump campaign put out a statement claiming this is best of three. "We all know why Joe Biden is rushing to falsely pose as the winner, when he has in fact only won the first of three or possibly five, depending on how we do in the second.” The statement went on to say that they will be additionally going to the Supreme Court in an attempt to "make this an eenie meenie miney moe thing, as supported by the constitution and God.”

In an interview with Fox News, Rudy Giuliani fiercely refuted cries that this is a desperation move for the Trump campaign, calmly screaming that this is the way elections always go. "There's totally precedence for this! Remember when the election of 1916 was decided by a series of thumb wars between Woodrow Wilson and Charles Hughes?” Giuliani quickly clarified that Trump would not be up to a thumb war, as his thumb is recovering from bone spurs.

CNN’s Jake Tapper gave an impassioned speech this morning against the Trump team’s "undemocratic" denial of the results, calling the president’s rhetoric “harmful to everything but our ratings.” "Remember when Juan Guaido challenged Nicholas Maduro of Venezuela with rock? Maduro clearly had scissors, but then he changed it at the last minute to paper. That’s not the America I want to live in."

President-elect Joe Biden has responded to Trump’s call for more “rounds,” firmly insisting that he will not live long enough to do this two more times. “It is abundantly clear that even if we did best of three, Trump would start licking all the ballots so that they're really gross and no one would want to count them.” 

While Biden will certainly become president, the civil unrest has already begun. Thousands of Trump protesters have taken to the streets chanting, “I see London, I see France, I see millions of fraudulent ballots!”