If Bunnies Fuck So Much, Why Won’t They Fuck in Front of Me?

I hail from California. We don’t have bunnies in California, just weed and vegans. So naturally, I came to Northwestern because I assumed there were bunnies here who would be fucking (and also I didn’t want to see Sheila around anymore).

I was right. Northwestern has what biologists call a “fuck-ton” of bunnies (and no Sheila). And bunnies are supposed to be consensually making sweet, sweet love 24/7, right? Right? WRONG!

Alas, I have seen zero bunnies doing the deed since I got here. I even started graphing my bunny coitus data on this chart:

We don’t need to talk about the unconfirmed 0.5 bunny fuck. I later confirmed it wasn’t a bunny and it wasn’t sex.

My question is simple: How come I NEVER see it? Isn’t it biology? Shouldn’t these goddamn bunnies be fucking right and left? Is it a me thing? Do they just not want to make whoopee in front of me? 

All I know is this: after Sheila broke up with me for the quarterback everyone said they were “fucking like rabbits.” When my Dad was mad at my Mom it was because she was “fucking [the poolboy] like a rabbit.” And everyone knows in the classic Alice and Wonderland, everyone was fucking the rabbit like rabbits (except the cat, that would be weird)!

I know what you’re thinking, but no, this isn’t sexual for me. It’s just about having an expectation and expecting it to be fulfilled. Like when I bought Sheila that bunny costume and assumed she would be down to wear it. Take a look at this graph of the number of times she agreed to wear it during sexy-time:

It looks just like the other chart! Coincidence? No chance!

I think I speak for the whole class of 2023 (and transfers) when I say we’d like to see a little more bunny fucking. I think I speak for the whole school of Northwestern (and transfers) when I say we have our cameras ready. Lastly, I think I speak for the whole world (and transfers) when I say fuck you, Sheila.