A message from President Snow: We didn’t realize the Hunger Games would endanger children until just now
Dear citizens of Panem,
This is not a letter we wanted to write, but we are compelled to make several adjustments to our plans for tributes this fall after consulting with Panem medical experts, as well as state and local public health officials. We learned from their expertise that (apparently) having children fight to the death in the Hunger Games is actually dangerous for the children involved.
Oopsie! Wish we could have known this months ago. This was all really unpredictable. Just weeks ago, those same medical experts said that it was 100% possible to have a bunch of children fight to the death without endangering children.
The changes that I, President Snow, hereby enact are listed below:
The Hunger Games is officially cancelled for the fall
All contestants should instead fight to the death in the privacy of their own homes
If 1st and 2nd district citizens still want to fight to the death, we’ll let them, since they’re a little more experienced
We know this will come as a disappointment to a lot of citizens, especially considering that we’ve been airing ads non-stop for the Hunger Games in which we claimed that we had figured out a way to have children fight to the death without anyone getting hurt. This might also disappoint the hundreds of people we hired to film the Hunger Games, and the hundreds of stylists we contracted to construct huge outfits for the contestants, and the millions of people we employed to build the arena who we will now refuse to pay, but let’s not talk about that.
We hope to bring back the Hunger Games in the winter, as by then we will definitely have figured out how children can fight to the death without anybody getting hurt. Or maybe by then we won’t need kids to fight to the death because the seeds of revolution will have been cured (or vaccinated).
Hope all our tributes stay safe, especially those in the districts without access to food and water!
Sincerely,
President Snow
Addendum: We have received some complaints from certain districts about the timing of our announcement. Yes, we are aware we sent this out as some tributes were already on the train to the Capitol. Yes, we are aware you haven’t seen these tributes since. That’s it, that’s the end of the addendum.
Addendum to the addendum: Wow! You all sure are a bunch of complainers! Apparently there are some complaints about our policy to give the wealthiest tributes 10% of the prize money, since they probably would have won anyway. We will not be changing this policy. Tributes from poor districts still have the same amount of wealth they did before being chosen, so we don’t see the issue.
