“AARGH!” and Five Other Things to Say While Pirating Movies to Alleviate Guilt
So, you moved to the big city (well, Evanston) to major in RTVF and strive towards your goals of making ~movies~. But now you’re broke, quarantined, and everything you want to watch is not on (your ex’s) Netflix. What now? Trying to watch a VHS feels like giving up and Blu-Rays probably died with the coral reefs. Sure, it feels immoral to pirate movies, thereby stealing from an industry you want to work for. I mean, young Brian Williams didn’t get on the news by kicking a Newsie til’ he handed over his papes! But what else are you going to do?! Lucky for you, we’ve compiled a list of distracting things to say whilst pirating to make you feel a little less guilty about engaging in this essential American pastime.
“Aargh!”
If you’re going to be a pirate, commit. It’s method acting, you ding dong! Buy a parrot! Cut off your hand! Blame a twelve-year-old boy for your fear of crocodiles!
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Three apologies DO make a right. As long as the film gods understand that you feel bad, they won’t care about this violation of federal copyright laws. Don’t ask for permission, ask for forgiveness, and other quotes with weird, underlying problems I would like to apply to this exact situation for our benefit.
“It’s a crappy movie anyway.”
This one only applies to the 2006 classic Over the Hedge. If you liked that movie you’re a piece of trash. So feel free to pirate it.
“You shouldn’t be upset that I pirated her, you should be upset that I had a laugh with her!”
All I’m saying is that if Netflix had something as funny as “Easy A,” I wouldn’t be pirating. So, whose fault is this? Exactly. Greedy streaming services for not providing me with the support I need right now. Plus, shouting this at the screen will remind the film gods that you sat through all 2 hours and 17 minutes of Marriage Story and you deserve some credit for that.
“I've got make-up on my butt dude!“
This infamous line from the 2006 classic Over the Hedge is a reminder that the film industry sometimes produces little pieces of shit, so in some ways it deserves to be ripped off.
“You hear that Karey Kirkpatrick?”
That’s right, Mr. Kirkpatrick, infamous director of the 2006 classic Over the Hedge. I didn’t like your movie. So you made it big directing some 2006 Dreamworks animated classics? Well, I’m doing fine halfway through my Northwestern film degree as well, so no, you aren’t going to be the sole star of our alumni network for very long.
Happy pirating mateys!
