Performance Studies Dept. Eliminates All Examinations, Replaces Them With Optional Vibe Checks

In response to a student-led Orbs and Auras Taskforce, administrators have decided to replace all performance studies examinations with optional vibe checks. 

“Unlike traditional midterms, which occur at the halfway point in the quarter, the optional evaluations won’t follow a routine schedule,” says department spokesperson Orion Glowworm. Instead, performance studies majors will have their vibes checked only when Mercury is in retrograde. 

School of Communications faculty members will perform the checks by measuring students’ wavelengths and water-bending ability. 

Some performance studies majors, like senior Lüna Moonebeem (@xx_chrysanthemum_baby_xx), say they’re looking forward to the new system.  

“lmao we vibin’ 🥀🌀👽,” said Moonebeem, while she analyzed, historicized, and theorized performance in both the aesthetic and the everyday. 

The vibe checks will replace typical performance studies examinations, which require students to release a scale of guttural noises while hanging upside down on a chin-up bar. Cloaked in purple velvet, students have historically been asked to recite The Ten Commandments backwards. 

At a department meeting, faculty members announced that Marianne Williamson, the freewheeling flower child of politics, will administer the assessments by harnessing the immense power of the moon’s gravitational pull.  She added that perfecting the “vibes” during a “vibe check” is the most important way to ensure students are adequately “vibing.”

“Vibes can only be properly assessed on a flat plane, said Williamson while swallowing whole crystals, declaring that she was struggling to temporarily descend from her astral existence. “And by flat plane I mean the earth is flat, bitches.”   

Failure to pass a vibe check will result in nine years in federal prison.