10 Special Skills You Might Have But Shouldn't Put On Your Résumé

1.  I have no gag reflex.  Sorry, but this skill will really only work in your favor in a few career paths.  One of those is in Quality Control for Chiquita.  The other is in the adult entertainment industry.  Potential third option: presidential aide circa 1997.

2.  I can complete the Flags Of The World quiz on Sporcle.  Congratulations, you might have a photographic memory.  Your career options are as follows:  Become Monk, become Professor Charles Xavier, or become Rain Man.  Maybe if you're lucky, Washington D.C. will lose power for eternity and you can get a part-time job working 5 hours a year at the State Department.

3.  I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.  WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  YOU’RE INCREDIBLE!!!!!!  You have an unusually capable tongue.  So does my Basset Hound.  You should apply to be a Basset Hound!

4.  I can shotgun a Tall Boy PBR in 3.5 seconds.  Surprisingly, this isn’t a skill sought in many professional settings.  However, I heard somewhere that there are psych labs that pay a lot of money to do research on people with severe learning disabilities.  You probably fall into that category.

5.  I can quote any episode of Friends.  Wow, can you really?  That’s ironic.  You know, because the show is called Friends.  And you clearly don’t have any.

6.  I can act.  This might actually be useful if you're applying to be a hostess at Outback Steakhouse.  But if you were a really good actor, you would act like someone with job qualifications.

7. I have no qualms about killing rabbits if you need me to.  Are you applying to be a tour guide at Watership Down? Because why would anybody fucking do that. You’re not British. You watched the animated movie instead of reading the goddamn book in 5th grade. Did you know that there’s a nudist colony now at Watership Down?

8.  I have Double Ds. Wait, never mind.  Do put that on your résumé.  At the top.  Next to your name.

9.  I'm flexible.  Okay, you aren't applying for a job at the Northshore Gymnastics Club.  And if you are, it is probably assumed that you're flexible.  This should only go on your résumé if you are really trying to play the "I'm a sexy young woman trying to get a dick foot in the mouth door" card.  If you are going for that, then I say to you:  Cheers.  And call me if you want a job as a Sherman Ave writer. 

10.  I'm semi-fluent in Elvish.  Just fucking stop.  You may have set the curve in your Econometrics class, but I'm pretty goddamn sure that Deloitte doesn't have an office in Rivendell.  And even if they did, you aren't even entirely fluent in Elvish.  You're about as useful as a Nuva Ring in a convent.

(With contributions from Evander Jones and Sir Edward Twattingworth III)

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