Confused Persian Army Shows Up For Dance Marathon
Darius the Great, who leads the army, has yearned to subjugate the Greek mainland since crushing the Ionian Revolt in 494 BC. Upon landing his personal trireme on South Beach at approximately 2:25 this afternoon, he confidently stepped off his vessel and commanded his massive army to set up camp.
"This is where we shall go to war!" he shouted to his soldiers in his native tongue of Elamite. "The Athenian swine shall shed their blood here, and we shall claims their lands as ours! We shall rape their women and burn their houses!"
After attempting to inspire his men with visions of grandeur and bellicosity, Darius reportedly took a moment to survey his surroundings.
"I'm going to be honest, this is not what I expected Greece to be," said Darius calmly to his soldiers, many of whom were distracted by theatre majors mindlessly belting songs from Rent outside of Jones Residential College. "But once we're done invading this hellish place, we -- holy shit, look at those dogs playing in the water!" The king of the world's then-largest empire proceeded to spend 7 minutes watching in awe as dogs frolicked in the Evanston Dog Park.
The monstrous military force reportedly proceeded to meander through the streets of Evanston, getting a group lunch at Cozy Noodles and even taking a group picture in front of the Arch. At approximately 5:45pm, the army auspiciously encountered a student who was able to translate for them. The translator, Weinberg junior Sara Salehi, directed the 200,000-man force to the Dance Marathon tent after hearing the word Marathon mentioned multiple times. As the army marched toward Dance Marathon, Darius attempted to rally his men again.
"We have arrived at the plains of Marathon!" hollered Darius on the Norris South Lawn, attracting attention from students in Norbucks. "And on these plains, we shall bring the Athenians to justice! We will drink their blood, and then we shall throw their bodies in that little lake next to the bigger lake!"
Witnesses reported that the army was prevented from entering the tent by the DM Finance Committee, who demanded that each soldier donate $400 before being allowed to enter the tent.
"Okay, I'm definitely not going to be able to raise $400," explained Vahid, a higher-up in the Persian Army. "But I have $230, and my friend Farhad has $600. We can both enter the tent, right?"
Added Vahid, "How much are these seven slaves worth?"
After three and a half hours of negotiation, nineteen Persian soldiers were admitted to the tent, and the rest were sent home. While many of the soldiers were glad to leave the strange, foreign land, Darius and his eighteen companions appeared to be quite excited about Dance Marathon.
"I obviously am disappointed that only 19 of our 200,000 men will be able to fight, but I have the strongest men in the world, and I am certain that we will still be able to quash the Athenian scum and claim this bizarre but intriguing land as our own," asserted Darius in an exclusive interview.
"Also, this is off-topic, but what the hell is Jhortz and Wizards?"