Okay guys. It's here. We've been anticipating its arrival for a while now, and there's no way to avoid it. The world is going to end tomorrow.
Now, there's no need to panic. This is our fate and it is unstoppable. The Mayans predicted the world would end this way and
wait maybe if they were so smart their whole goddamn empire wouldn't have fallen they were apparently good at predicting things. At this point, all we can do is make the most of our remaining eleven hours on this planet.
This might seem overwhelming. "How should I spend my last half-day alive," you might ask yourself, suggestively eyeing the bottle of KY Jelly you keep in your pantry. Well fear not, you soon-to-be-dead reader. Sherman Ave has got you covered with the essential shoulds and should-nots of your last day on Earth.
SHOULD: Go to Chipotle
Let's be honest here. Your last meal on Earth should be pretty great. No one is going to go for a McDonald's Filet-o-Fish or a fucking salad at Panera. You want something delicious and you want something relatively unhealthy - what do you have to lose? Go to Chipotle, and get a burrito with literally everything. Steak, chicken, ground beef, carnitas, all the salsas, and hell, even get guacamole for an extra $6.50. The world ends tomorrow; the only things you need to save money for are the shots of Grey Goose you're going to purchase later.
Now, some people would go into this with a different mentality. They'll say, "It's my last meal on Earth, so I'm going to go to a really nice restaurant, and treat myself to a delicious steak and an expensive port wine, because I'm that fucking guy." Here's the problem with that: a "finer" meal (as if anything is "finer" than Chipotle) is going to consume over an hour of your last few hours on Earth. Chipotle? You can walk in, order, and scarf that shit down in under 15 minutes if you have the right attitude. In apocalyptic situations, time is money, and you should save as much time (and money) as you can for all the prostitutes later.
SHOULD NOT: Listen to R.E.M.'s "It's The End of the World"
I'm just going to level with you: R.E.M. fucking sucks, and "It's the End of the World" is a terrible song even when compared to the rest of R.E.M.'s terrible songs. I don't care if it's "topical"; so is the cream that I use for my hemorrhoids. If you put on this godforsaken shitbag of a song, you are horrifically wasting your last precious hours on Earth.
SHOULD: Go Streaking
People traditionally go streaking at something like a football game, a graduation ceremony, or a funeral. This time, something harmless like that is simply not enough. You should go streaking EVERYWHERE. Art galleries, movie theaters, preschools, Dad's workplace, interstate highways, Hootie and the Blowfish concerts - the possibilities are endless. But once you get there, they will no longer be endless HAHAHAHAHA LOOK AT MY PUN I JUST PUNNED SO FUCKING HARD.
SHOULD NOT: Exercise
While exercise has never been a passion of mine (writes the Sherman Ave writer from his armchair, aggressively plowing through a bag of M&Ms), I've always at least understood the
porpoise purpose of it. You spend a few minutes a day doing unspeakably awful and unenjoyable things, and it makes you live longer. Whatever. If the world's ending tomorrow, however, all bets are off for these self-righteous Body Nazis. We're all going to die tomorrow anyway, so there's no point in trying to live any longer. So unlace your running shoes, sit down, and eat as many chocolate-covered pretzels as you can before King Maya shows up and forces himself upon you.
SHOULD: Have sex with Jennifer Lawrence
I can say with relative certainty that there is no other way I would like to die than inside of Jennifer Lawrence. First of all, she's smoking hot. As a blonde or a brunette. Second of all, she was Katniss Everdeen. So she knows things about survival. This probably doesn't matter since we're all going to die in the apocalypse anyway, but it does set us up nicely for Reason #3: OH MY GOD SHE'S SO HOT. I WANT TO DO ALL OF THE UNMENTIONABLES WITH HER. Sadly, I could never possible express my adoration for J-Law as well as American statesman Patrick Henry did: "Give me Jennifer Lawrence, or give me someone else hot but I definitely prefer Jennifer Lawrence."
SHOULD NOT: Masturbate
Now, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against flogging the dolphin. In fact, I think it's an excellent way to pass the time during family dinners and 5pm discussion sections. But seriously, THE WORLD IS ENDING TOMORROW. Even if you can't land a carnal embrace with Jennifer Lawrence like I can, there are still tons of hot women out there looking for some pre-Apocalyptic penetration. And last time I checked, none of the aforementioned women were named "Lefty" or "Righty."
SHOULD: Teabag a Grandmother