How to Throw Your Very Own Official Sherman Ave Shavepocalypse Party
With the end of the world drawing near, everyone is contemplating how to celebrate their last hours. You may be thinking “yeah okay, I’ll invite a few friends over, buy a couple handles of crappy vodka and we’ll drink ourselves into Creed-singing oblivion.” FALSE. My friends, now’s the time to throw the party/rager/shit show extraordinaire you’ve been dreaming of. We at the Ave have made it our mission to assure your last hours are spent as heinously as possible and present you with this guide to creating your very own “End of the World” party. You’re welcome.
The Theme: The most important aspect of any great party is the theme. For this party, there is only one option, and that option is Ke$ha. Before you huff at this idea, listen to Ke$ha’s new album, “Warrior,” and try to tell me it isn’t the perfect end of the world soundtrack. Ke$ha represents everything a party should be: a beautiful, messy, perfect, trashy-looking badass version of Taylor Swift.
The Setting: In order to find the perfect place, take a nice drive along the highway until you hit “the middle of nowhere.” Take the first exit you see once you’ve hit “the middle of nowhere” ONLY IF it’s one of those super fun exits that is just one long right-turn loop-dee-loop. In the middle of that loop-dee-loop there will be a small shack, probably big enough for a queen sized bed. Pull over. Walk towards the shack (don’t be afraid) and open it up. SUPRISE! It’s one of those magic buildings that looks small but is huge inside. You’ve found your party location.
The Decorations: Actually, there’s something we forgot to tell you earlier. The shack is actually the muggle world’s version of The Room of Requirement, so when you first find it you’ll pretty much be set. The walls and floor will be covered in glitter tiles and an unidentifiable scum. Strobe and laser lights will be ready to create the ultimate rage mood lighting. At least 3 glitter cannons can be found with pre-supplied glitter, though you’ll probably need to supply more because YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH GLITTER. And don’t worry, there will be multiple stripper poles for your friends who seem weirdly obsessed with it at the Keg.
The Invitations: Any real party has invitations. Whether it’s a Facebook invite with a witty party description or a formal invite on expensive stationary, the invite sets up your guests’ expectations. It’s time to throw that idea out the window. For this party, you need to do what’s never been done before. You will need 3 things: a flock of giant black falcons, glitter, and chloroform. Since you no longer need your college fund, you have all the money in the world for this party, so these things are pretty attainable. Simply tie a chloroform soaked rag and feed the falcon some glitter and whisper the name of the invitee into its ear. I hear falcons are pretty smart, so they should be able to find your intended guest. The falcon will drop the rag on the guest’s face then spit up a cloud of glitter. As your guest falls unconscious, he or she will most likely whisper “Kesha....?” and the falcon will take him or her in its talons and transport the body to the shack.
The Party: As the guests enter, hand guest each their own handle of Jack Daniel’s (duh), Goldschläger (because it looks like GLITTER) and their preferred alcohol. Remember, the world is ending, you have the money. Yes, they each get all three. No questions. The playlist should include every Ke$ha song ever made, but if you must you can also add in “Single Ladies” and “Someone Like You” because YOLO. “Die Young” should be playing as guests enter. Make glow sticks readily available. Dance your heart out. Pull out all of those moves you’ve been saving for the biggest night of your life--this is it. Be prepared to see guests engaging in sexytime on the dance floor. Don’t judge; it’s their last party, too. This is the part you can make your own. Only you know your guests and parties are unpredictable. Using Ke$ha as your guide and spirit animal, there is no possibility for failure. If you do manage to screw this up, either the world ends or it doesn’t and no one will remember it.