So it’s all over. Despite your healthy diet of Cheesie’s, alcohol, and more Cheesie’s, as well as your hobbies of binge-drinking, binge-regretting, and orgo all-nighters - it looks like your life is going to come to an early end. However, the end of the world doesn’t have to be all bad. Here are several ideas to help improve your final evening on Earth:
1. Pre-Game There is no bigger event in the history of the world than the end of the world. And like all important events, there is only one way to attend: drunk. Remember the last you went to a significant even sober? I sure do; Grandma’s funeral was the worst. Don’t make that mistake with the end of the world. Not only will the Apocalypse be a lot more fun drunk, but there is no chance you’ll have a hangover. There is all the reason to be drunk and none of the reason not to be. There are a lot of other things to do with your last days on earth, but all of them should be done drunk.
2. Binge-Everything If there is one thing to take away from all advice on the coming Apocalypse, it’s this: There are no consequences for anything you do now - so it’s time to go batshit crazy. Put all the foods in your mouth, spend all the monies, and drink all the alcohols because there is literally no tomorrow.
3. Spend as Much Time Without Pants On as Possible There are few things in the world as great as walking around without pants, and since the world will soon be gone, it is in your best interest to spend as little time in pants as you can. Go the mall without pants, hang out with friends without pants, do a dance without pants, and maybe even do the no pants dance ;) (SEX).
4. Travel to That One Place You Totally Meant to Go to Way Earlier but Just Didn’t Have Time to Visit and Seemed Way Too Expensive to Go to because the Plane Ticket Really Wasn’t That Much But The Hotels Were and Eating Out Costs A Lot of Money You should go there now and stop talking about how you’re going to visit one day before we all kill you before the world ends.
5. Do the Weirdest Things From Your Bucket List It’s the end of the world and I know what you’re thinking, “I should do some of the things on my bucket list. Maybe I’ll go skydiving.” But guess what? Every asshole and his (or her - we discriminate equally at Sherman Ave) friend had that same thought. And I know you want everyone to know that you’re wild and adventurous before the world ends, but we here at Sherman Ave advise you to take a different route. Instead of being the two millionth person to sign up to go skydiving or bungee-jumping, pick the weirdest things from your bucket list and do those. Maybe you’ve always wanted to lick cheese off of a homeless man’s chest, or maybe you’d like to sit an elevator for a day moaning at everyone who walks in. Whatever your sick, twisted, strangely erotic dreams are - pursue them. Your time on earth should end with a bang - and maybe a restraining order.
6. Accept That We Deserved This
Listen guys, I know it’s been fun and the parts of my life that I can remember have been great, but we all knew this was coming. Between Hurricane Sandy, the Creation of the Cinna-Pie (crafted by the devil himself), and Mitt Romney - we all knew it was coming to an end much sooner than later. And honestly, I can’t say we don’t deserve it. We’ve turned pregnancy into a form of entertainment, we’ve made shouting the most common type of public discourse, and Honey Boo Boo. I don’t even know what the fuck a Honey Boo Boo is, but the fact that it’s even a thing I have to mention tells me we’ve really fucked up. It’s been a great ride, but it’s time for it to come to an end because #YOLO.
Thank you for sharing these great times with us and if any of you are alive at the end of all this CALL ME MAYBE!