October has always been my favorite month of the year. Maybe it's the colors changing, maybe it's the football season - hell, maybe it's even the simple pleasure of using candy corn as bait to attract and subsequently kill your neighbor's pets. But sometimes we get so caught up in our responsibilities - school, work, animal sacrifice - that we take for granted the gifts that this beautiful month brings us. Here are five fun-filled activities that you must accomplish before October gets all menstrual and becomes November.
5. Wear a Halloween costume to a religious service
It is quite regrettable that I have never brought myself to do this one. This can be an excellent memory for all people involved, but only if you use the right costume. For example, if you go to mass sporting your awesome "Cross-dressing Rush Limbaugh" costume, you might think you're awesome, but all the Catholics will likely just mistake you for the Pope. And we've ALL been in that awkward situation where everyone thinks you're the liaison between them and God when you were really just trying to be funny and mildly offensive.
4. Carve something inappropriate into a pumpkin
Carving pumpkins is one of the long-standing Halloween traditions, and as with all long-standing traditions, it must be regularly disgraced. There are two ways of bringing heinous to the pumpkins - either by ruining other people's pumpkins with crudely drawn sexual images, or by artfully crafting pornography into your own pumpkins. Now, some of you may ask, "Does it have to be pornography?" and I will answer you the same way my estranged uncle answered my inquiries regarding his Netflix queue: Yes, it always has to be pornography.
3. Drop acid in a corn maze
We've all seen that movie Signs starring Mel Gibson. Actually, not all of us have seen it. Come to think of it, I don't think I know a single person inane enough to remove two hours from their woefully short time on this earth to watch that god awful piece of dogshit. But the point still stands: Cornfields can be pretty fucking scary. And if they're scary now, just imagine how scary they are when you've suddenly morphed into a three-legged Pakistani sex-clown running from the omnipotent army of scrotum-hungry beasts with the body of Anna Kournikova and the head of Whoopi Goldberg.
2. Shotgun a Pumpkin Spice latte
Okay, seriously, this is important. Starbuck's is so up-their-ass with their goddamn seasons that someone needs to put them in their place, and this is just the way to accomplish that. So here's what you do. Walk into a Starbuck's with a boombox blasting music from one of the aggressively sub-par CDs sold at the Starbuck's counter - Jewel will do. Proceed to order a venti Pumpkin Spice latte, because as long as the grande costs $6.50, you might as well spring the extra 50 cents and shell out 7 bucks for a fucking drink. When the barista calls your name, which is presumably spelled in a way that somehow manages to use characters from a minimum of three different language families, grab your drink, punch a sizable hole in the bottom of the side, and then CHUG. THE. WHOLE. DAMN. THING. There's a high probability you'll suffer second-degree burns, but it's a small price to pay for sticking it to the man.
1. Bang Jennifer Lawrence
Admittedly, this doesn't necessarily pertain to the month of October, but I'm all about setting goals and deadlines. And since you're apparently supposed to announce your goals to your friends or some shit, here goes: I intend to do the sex at Jennifer Lawrence by the time October ends.
Like, seriously, what a piece of ass. I'd sure like to show her what the 12 in District 12 really means. I would give her everything my Cornucopia has to offer, and when all is said and done, she'll really understand what it means to be the Girl on Fire. Hunger Games sex jokes aside, though, Jennifer Lawrence is really hot. And I want to make penis toward her.
Happy October, everybody!