An Analysis of the US News Top 25 (Part 1 #14-25)

You only have to look as far as the unjust, nay unholy (sue us, Notre Dame), #13 ranking of Northwestern University to see that the US News and World Report's ranking of American colleges is more full of corruption than my essay on South American governments that was saved on a flash drive I didn't safely eject.  The world needed someone to cut through the darkness to find out who really deserves their ranking and who has an in with the shadowy publishers of the report.  We stepped in to be that someone; feast your eyes on the truth:

25. (tie) [expand title="The University of Southern California" excerpt='']  If all that glitters is not gold, then USC is the cherry on top of a deceptively sparkly crap sundae. The University of Southern California is a Top 25 institution for many things. For instance, I would confidentially venture that USC is a Top 25 Place-That’s-A-Lot-Of-Fun-If-You’re-Into-Dirty-Frat-Parties, Top 25 Overpriced-School-For-Former-Disney-Channel-Stars-And-Children-Of-Celebrities-To-Get-A-Communications-Degree-With-Minimal-Effort, Top 25 University-That-Gets-Confused-With-University-Of-South-Carolina-Based-On-Their-Similar-Acronyms. But Top 25 Research Institution and Place For Higher Learning? Nice try, guy.   Sure, on the surface, USC sounds great: warm weather, school spirit, a condom for a mascot. But underneath it all, USC is overhyped. Don’t listen to the Office of Admissions when they tell you the surrounding area has “improved.” South Central Los Angeles is definitely not a quaint college town (For comparison: no one ever raps about the streets of Ann Arbor). While of course the stereotype of “University of Spoiled Children” is not true for all 16,000 undergraduates, probably 10,000 undergraduates were admitted because their uncles golf with the Dean of Admissions every Saturday. There are other party schools, California colleges, and top universities that are just as fun/warm/good as USC, but with less snobbery. So unless you are going to the film school (which is incredible), there are better ways to spend a quarter of a million dollars.   - Felicity Jenkins[/expand]

25. (tie) [expand title="Carnegie Mellon University" excerpt='']  The kilt to non-kilt ratio, maybe the most important statistic for choosing a college, has been curiously left off of the US News & World Report rankings in the past years. At Northwestern there are two guys who wear kilts. At Carnegie Mellon the entire marching band wears kilts. The presence of a kilt, the clothing equivalent of the unicycle, is a good indicator of how long you’ll be able to tolerate someone. At a school surrounded by the rusted carnage of a collapsed steel industry where you need to stay on campus to avoid getting tetanus, you’re going to be spending a lot of time with your colleagues. Carnegie Mellon deserves its 25 slot in the US News & World Report ranking for its remarkable academics, but putting it anywhere in the top 20 essentially gives an OK to people who wear a woolen garment without underwear.  Unless you yourself wear a kilt (and are pursuing a bagpipe major), do not go to Carnegie-Mellon.   - Sparky Brownwhistle[/expand]

23. (tie) [expand title="University of Virginia" excerpt='']  Everyone at my high school who behaved as though they were more intelligent than I was is currently enrolled in the University of Virginia. “Believing in ghosts is stupid,” they said. “You should stop smoking weed before AP Lit, it’s really distracting to the other students,” they said. “Yelling ‘sacrebleu!’ during French class doesn’t count as participation,” they said. Well, it turns out they were wrong on almost every single count (sorry Mrs. Russell’s first period class). And in recent and less personal news, UVA has had some…issues. To put it lightly. To put it very, very lightly. Many of those who I consider friends at UVA have condemned these events for the acts of blatant racism, misogyny and violence that they are, and for that I applaud them- speaking up against your community is no easy feat. However, the lack of response to these incidents from some of my high school peers has spoken louder than any half-assed defensive Facebook post they might have put forth ever could. So, allow me to make my own statement regarding Thomas Jefferson’s very own university: HA HA HA FUCKING HA! ENJOY 23RD PLACE, DICKHOLES.   - Urethra Franklin[/expand]

23. (tie) [expand title="University of California – Los Angeles" excerpt='']  UCLA is a school in the top 25 of US News and World Reports National Universities rankings.  It's a state school so it probably has something like 25,000 people, a good engineering program, parts of campus that "look like Hogwarts," and enough clubs and organizations that everyone can find their niche.  I bet there are also world-class professors who genuinely care and get lunch with their students or some shit.  Oh, they do have sports there; I know that.  Basketball, I think.  I bet they have at least like 3 basketball hoops on campus.  Wait, what's a normal amount of basketball hoops to have?  We have the 2 behind Bobb, the 6 in SPAC, the 4 in Blom, and a few at Plex I think.  UCLA probably has at least double that.  That's right, you heard it here first: UCLA has at least 30 or so basketball hoops on campus.  If that's not deserving of a #23 ranking I don't know what is.   - Walter Klondike™[/expand]

21. (tie) [expand title="Georgetown University" excerpt='']  “Everything I know about the female anatomy, I learned during my time at Georgetown University.” Georgetown alumnus and former president Bill Clinton wasn’t even a biology major when he attended Georgetown, but his quote speaks to the well-rounded academic experience students receive at the renowned university. Located on the old money side of Washington D.C., Georgetown somehow manages to remain accessible to all white undergraduate students regardless of the size of their trust funds. With excellent academics programs geared towards government employment and investment banking, this school is single-handedly ensuring that the United States receives a constant flow of students whose career ambitions focus on stripping the elderly of their 401k benefits and getting jacked up on “la montana cocaina.”   Georgetown undoubtedly has its flaws as an institution, but the bottom line is that this university will get your overachieving child where they desire. The ranking of this august institution should indeed be higher, but in the end, the degree will be enough to help the average Georgetown student accomplish their dreams as an unfulfilled high level employee in the state department or as an inmate on the tennis courts of a maximum security prison.   - George Jar Jar Martin[/expand]

21. (tie) [expand title="Emory University" excerpt='']  For a southern research institution whose most noteworthy accomplishment is making it into a Childish Gambino lyric (“from that NYU dorm to the Emory”), Emory University somehow manages to maintain a reputation of being completely and utterly unknown to anyone outside its metro-Atlanta campus. For this feat of stealth alone, Emory University deserves its spot at #21 on the US World & News rankings. Boasting one of America’s cleanest campuses, Emory is famous for power washing its pollen-soaked buildings with the excess supply of tears from its somber pre-med population. More broadly, the school offers the unique amenity of steadily grinding away at the souls of its students from any of campus’ seven specially furnished libraries.   Hailed for its diversity, Emory is said to have imported over thirty percent of its undergraduates from Long Island, New York. These primarily Jewish students provide the dose of whimsy and excitement that breaks apart the monotony of the otherwise plurality Asian campus.   But for most students, Emory is about hoping and praying that their secondary skeleton mascot Dooly will let them out of class, or perhaps even transfer them to a school that has a football team.   - Frank, the Guardian of Pain[/expand]

20. [expand title="University of California – Berkeley" excerpt='']  I once tried to explain my school choice by saying I wanted to attend the “Berkeley of the Midwest.” But let’s be honest, only Berkeley can be as cool as Berkeley. Because if you go to Berkeley, you just don’t give a shit about lists and conventions like these “Best Colleges.” Berkeley is an incredibly intelligent institution––heard of Berkelium? Californium? Yea, as the students will tell you, they may not have the high endowment of their competition to the south, but there’s still not any “Stanfordium.”Honestly, Berkeley’s only foreseeable drawback is that the students actually sell library desk space on Craigslist. But considering this is a school where the police return your stolen marijuana plants, Berkeley stands out as the hippie haven the rest of us wish we were edgy enough to be at.   - Lady Keystone[/expand]

19. [expand title="Rice University" excerpt='']  I went on a college visit to Rice my senior year in high school. They got me absolutely shit-faced and ruined tequila for me for what I’m assuming is forever since three and a half years later, I still can’t drink/smell/look at it without retching.  Location wise, it’s in Houston. For that, they definitely belong out of the top ten because no one actually wants to go to school in Texas unless you’re from Texas.  Campus wise, extremely pretty with a shit-ton of trees. Like every other college in America, they have an area that looks like Hogwarts. I think it was a dining hall. But they’re more like Hogwarts than other schools since instead of Greek life, they have a residential college system Similar to the Hogwarts students and cult members, they’re pretty much brainwashed during orientation to love their college. They have weird traditions like running around campus naked and riding bicycles drunk. Students were pretty chill. Overall 8.69/10. Would visit again, would not consume that much tequila again. Should be definitely be ranked higher than the douchebags at Vandy.   - Susan, the sexy-in-the-right-lighting Ghost[/expand]

16. (tie) [expand title="Vanderbilt University" excerpt='']  Vanderbilt offers a wide range of student activities. The Vineyard Vines Enthusiasm Club, for example, promotes capitalism in a safe and educational environment, offering a 5% discount on orders of $1,000 or more to members. Membership is contingent on half of your closet being of the Vineyard Vines variety, which is normally not a problem for Vanderbilt students. (However, if you hail from South Dakota, you are ineligible for VV club.) Other clubs include Greek Life, not not Greek Life, and gReEkLyfe.   Vanderbilt offers a diverse range of courses such as, “How to Not Be Entitled 309,” “Football 101,” and “Diversity 262.” About 35% of students take advantage of Vanderbilt’s Study Abroad programs, which are offered in more than 3 countries including Memphis and Honolulu. Vanderbilt is also known for its undergraduate Blair School of Music, which breeds some of our nation’s most successful musicians. Notable alumni include the sixth runner up from American Idol 2003! (Remember that Simon was still around back then and he was no softie.) When applying to Vanderbilt, it’s important to note the application deadline is January 1, unless your family has money, then your deadline is whenever they get your check. Clearly Vanderbilt is not prestigious enough to be considered a top 25 university. Get someone to win American Idol, then we’ll talk.   - Bootylicious S. Grant[/expand]

16. (tie) [expand title="Notre Dame University" excerpt=''] The only logical reason why Notre Dame is this high on the list, let alone on the list at all, is that some fucker at US News and World Report went to Notre Dame. The only people who like Notre Dame are people who went there, and thus the cycle continues. This is enhanced by the self-righteous “religious” aspects of the university (see: touchdown Jesus) that only propagate the abundant fart-sniffing. To be honest, I bet Notre Dame is on the list because it’s probably leading the country in difficult surgeries to remove spinal vertebrae so that Notre Dame Fans can more easily suck their own dicks. Also: super offensive mascot. The only good thing to ever come out of Notre Dame is Rudy, and to be honest High School Musical is a better sports movie than Rudy.   - Master Bader Ginsburg[/expand]

16. (tie) [expand title="Brown University" excerpt='']  The only two people I know who have attended Brown are my father who attended the school in the early ‘80s and my friend from high school who spent his entire post-high school summer stealing traffic cones from various locations in my hometown. If these two admits are any indication of the people that attend Brown, I’d say it’s a pretty ok place.   My father was in KDΥ during his time at Brown. KDΥ was once a DΥ chapter, but the brothers never paid their dues. They spent their money on cooler things, like Lincoln Logs and Lite Brite sets. Due to this, their national chapter cut all ties with them and forced them to change their letters or face legal action. Based on these events, one can see that Brown students are wimps who are scared of getting sued. One thing KDΥ did annually was have all their brothers run laps nude in their quad in the dead of winter. This event attracted students from all over campus. This is what students at Brown do for fun. One time I asked my dad if I could use his KDΥ paddle as a cricket bat. He said no.   Does Brown deserve its #16 slot? Is Providence, RI a nice city? Of course, the answer to both of these questions is, “…uh…sure, I guess?”   - Reverend Doctor Dee Dee Turlington, Attorney at Law, Esquire[/expand]

15. [expand title="Cornell University" excerpt='']  Cornell University is best explained by its position in the top 15: it is BARELY in the top 15. Cornell is the Charlie Weasley of the Ivy League. It’s the irrelevant brother that’s not as successful as Bill, but that’s at least not as annoying as Percy. If Cornell were a period in United States history, it would be the Gilded Age—a thin gilding of pomp and tradition barely masking aggressive mediocrity. The typical Cornell student is from Long Island and is heavily interested in something tame (a Capella, seasonal beverages, fleece outerwear, etc.). Located in scenic but inconsequential Ithaca, the school is nestled between ripping waterfalls and plunging gorges. The waterfalls and gorges represent….something. I’m sure they represent some deep truth about life at Cornell. You could ask one of the students, but that student got rejected from every other Ivy League and/or Stanford, so he or she probably doesn’t get symbolism.   - Marietta Von Festering[/expand]

14. [expand title="Washington University in St. Louis" excerpt='']  Wash U is not only the smartest college in the US, it also has a residence area that looks like any yuppie’s dream of the soon-to-be gentrified neighborhood they just moved into. Buildings on campus also feature the actual gargoyles that served as the inspiration for the 1990s ABC animated show Gargoyles. And for those not into gargoyles, the zoo in adjacent Forest Park lets their penguins loose for students to chill with when they need a break from humans. An ideal combination of academics, quality of life and penguins, Wash U is nearly the perfect school and should be ranked higher in my opinion. Really the only issue I have with Wash U is that it's located in the Hades of America AKA Rat City, USA AKA St. Louis, Missouri.   - Clint Taurus[/expand]