If Every Big Ten School Was a House of Cards Character

If Every Big Ten School Was a House of Cards Character


claire Nebraska - Claire Underwood: Nebraska often flies under the radar - all tucked away in the cornfields, surrounded by miles and miles of biofuel.  But Nebraska is, at heart, a powerhouse that can exert quite a bit of influence if it wants.



Michigan State - Doug Stamper: Often Doug’s skills go unrecognized, but he, like MSU, is a conniving little guy and is surprisingly street smart.  But at the same time he’s pretty evil - much like MSU students after one of their sports team wins any game that is even marginally significant.  Burning couches and overturning cars (and intimidating Chinese diplomats?) have never found a better home than at East Lansing.



Ohio State - Frank Underwood: Arrogant, confident, and totally ruthless.  Ohio State thinks they run the Big Ten (and in many ways they do), but at the end of the day no one really likes them. We are fascinated to see what they’ll do next, though.



Indiana - Freddy Hayes: We know you like to be the big guy’s trusty friend, but it’ll get you nowhere. Maybe they’ll pull for you during bowl season, maybe they’ll let you win a game or two. They’ll make you think you’re their best friend and that they’ve got your back. Don’t blink, Hoosiers… the top dog is ruthless.



Minnesota - Former President Garrett Walker: Gone are your glory days, my friend. Yes, one day you stood at the top with your goodish football team (seven college football national titles before 1960). But you’ve been knocked from grace (no titles since 1960). You mean well, and you’ve got some boyish charm, but that charm wasn’t enough to save you from the Buckeyes (or Underwoods…) of the world.



Purdue - Jackie Sharp: Everyone seems to forget about Jackie, just as everyone seems to forget about Purdue.  But those bunch of nerds in West Lafayette are smart and all engineers, which means they’re good at thinking, or something.



Illinois - Lucas Goodwin: Poor Lucas.  Not only are you not as good at your job as Zoe/Northwestern, but your naive and idealistic nature got you charged with actual treason.  Like Lucas, Illinois is just doing its best, but can never seem to keep up with its close competition in Evanston.  At least you’re cute, though.  Those brunette locks. Mmmm.



Wisconsin - Edward Meechum: We know you wanna be good at sports and smart, but sleeping with the top dogs will get you nowhere. They don’t care about you. You’re a pawn in their game. Don’t be a Meechum, Wisco. You’ll get there eventually. Always on the periphery, never top dog, but certainly one to hobnob with them--Edward Meechum suits Wisconsin to a T.  Also does not know how to hold his liquor.



Penn State - Peter Russo: Honestly this is mostly because of the Pennsylvania connection, but both are generally good people with dark pasts and horrible drinking problems.  He used to be pretty important, but now...


raymond Michigan - Raymond Tusk: Powerful in their own right, and bitter enemies of Ohio State (i.e., Frank).  They seem nice enough at first, but then you get to know them, maybe walk around their gigantic estate/gigantic campus, and realize they’re kind of dicks.


remyIowa - Remy Danton: Legitimate question: Does anyone know what Remy actually does?  Is it something with fracking?  Is he like, a real estate guy?  Whatever.  It seems like he just kinda shows up and I guess he has a lot of power and he’s cool but then he just sort of will vanish and stuff.



Northwestern - Zoe Barnes: The true tragic hero of our story, Zoe is certainly smart and certainly talented, but at the same time will completely sacrifice any semblance of shame to get to the top.  Driven, but maybe too much.  Is getting cunnilingus from a man twice your age really worth it to get that internship?  The answer is yes.  Yes it is worth it.



Maryland - Rachel Posner: A school/character inserted into the Big Ten/show for no other reason than to give the B1G access to the lucrative east coast television market/to give viewers an awesome lesbian sex scene.



Rutgers - That chick that Rachel has sex with:  See Maryland.


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