Old Orchard Mall: A Testament to American Exceptionalism
Some people might say America is the greatest country in the world because of our propensity for freedom and democracy, or perhaps they saw one of our novelty muscle tees that boast, “Back To Back World War Champs.” While these are certainly reasons why America rulez, other countries drool, the greatest testament to American exceptionalism is clearer than freedom’s ring: In 1956, America put an outdoor mall in northern Illinois.
Where other countries might ask, “Aren’t outdoor malls only a California thing?” or “Wow that sounds like a terrible idea, don’t you think it gets too cold here for that?” America didn’t even hear the question; she had her headphones plugged in and was blasting Bruce Springsteen remixed to the cries of bald eagles.
Then America asks you to repeat the question and says, “If we can put a man on the moon, we can put an outdoor mall in northern Illinois,” and that shuts up old Denmark real fast.
No other nation in the world would have the red, white, and balls to build an unenclosed shopping center in a region that routinely drops to subzero temperatures. Whereas sissy Somalians hardly ever have to put on a coat to go outdoors, our American shoppers brave the harshest elements to use their 15% off coupon to buy J.Crew half-zips for $79.99.
Still having doubts that an outdoor mall in a city that receives 36.7 inches of snow per year with an average wind speed of 13.9 mph is a good idea? Check out the mounds of snow that need to be shoveled each morning to even enter the stores; that’s right, we turned them into snow sculptures. Let the rest of the world marvel at the giant sculpted koi fish in front of Auntie Anne’s, and then we’ll see who thinks America isn’t #1. Eat it, China.
Truly, there is nothing* this great nation cannot accomplish.
*Except fix a broken education system, reform immigration laws, have a female president, outrank Nordic countries in terms of living conditions, provide affordable healthcare, close the wealth gap, pass marriage equality in all states, curb the national debt, address its race problems, adopt sensible gun policies, separate church and state (and actually mean it!), minimize its obesity rates, etc., etc. etc.