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White People: No Longer Cool Enough? The Real Story Behind Affirmative Action

The University of Texas at Austin is cracking down on an important issue plaguing colleges worldwide -- too many white people.

Desperate measures are being put into place to ensure the university maintains a critical concentration of African American and Hispanic students. “It’s not that I don’t like white people,” said president William Powers. “It’s really more of a cultural thing. See, black people bring with them a rich history of African culture, and rap music too. Spanish people have freakin tacos and, I don’t know, sombreros I guess. What do white people have to contribute? Boy bands? Honey Boo-Boo? That’s not what this school wants to represent.”

White -- no longer right?

UT’s affirmative action policy makes white students less likely to be accepted in some situations. But it’s not just white students who are being affected by the diversity crusade. Black students who aren’t deemed black enough are also at risk of being rejected without proper evaluation.

“When I came in for the interview, I was determined to make a good impression,” said Clarence Jones, an African-American teenager from a wealthy community near Seattle. “I wore my best slacks and my best dress shirt, and I entered the room with a lot of confidence.”

Clarence recalls the look of confusion from the interviewer who extended his hand to greet him. “He rubbed my hand in a weird way like he was trying to do some kind of special handshake. Then he turned flush red and nervously offered me some fried chicken he had laying out on a plate for some reason. When I said I was vegan, the entire panel immediately shook their heads and furiously scribbled some notes down.”

There was no end to the exasperation Clarence experienced during the interview. “I tried to talk about my fascination with French literature and my passion for classical violin. They just kept asking me if I had heard the latest Kanye album and how things were in my ‘hood’. I live in a gated community -- is that a ‘hood’? I just don’t know anymore.”

A representative from the panel explained their decision: “He was well-educated, articulate, professional -- you know, it just didn’t feel like he was connected to black culture enough. That’s why we had to reject him.”

According to Clarence, the peak of frustration was hearing the interviewer apologize for “that whole slavery thing” when he was on his way out the door.

Campus changes to reflect diversity

The University of Texas at Austin’s campus director has detailed several drastic changes the campus will be undergoing soon. These changes are aimed towards attracting minorities and promoting diversity.

The on-campus food stores will be removed and replaced with a KFC and a Taco Bell, “for our black-- oops! African-American and Mexican-American friends.”  The landmark Mustangs statue will be replaced with a statue of Hugo Chavez. “It was at a garage sale for cheap, and he’s Cuban or something, so it works.” The bookstore will transform into a one-stop shop for cigarettes, drug paraphernalia, and firearms. “We want to welcome these oppressed, ethnic people with open arms and create an environment that reflects the culture they come from,” explained the campus director, wearing a traditional Zimbabwean robe.

“Some people claim the only way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race,” says the UT campus director. “I tell those people- that’s a logical fallacy, you know. I don’t know if it is or not, but it usually shuts them up.”

The university has taken other steps to appear diverse, which is unnerving for students like sophomore Jessica Brown.

“I was walking home from class one day when I suddenly froze in my tracks and felt my heart skip a beat. I was face to face with a- a Hispanic! I’d never dealt with this kind of situation, so I stood still, avoided eye contact and held up the universal peace sign with my hand. It was only after several minutes of trembling in fear did I realize it was just a cardboard cutout. Can you imagine my relief!”

Cutouts and even mannequins resembling typical minority groups have been placed around campus to create an image of diversity, complete with ill-fitting clothes and ethnic headgear such as sombreros and flat-brimmed caps with the sticker still on.

W. Powers: pioneer in equality or racist?

President Powers staunchly denies any element of racism in his unfair treatment of white students and ignorance towards minorities’ culture. “Again, this isn’t a race issue. I have a lot of friends who are white, and I think they’re fun to hang out with. But when it comes down to a student body, you need diversity, and white people are, quite frankly, out of style. Listen, we live in a country with a President who is black and a minority -- what? He’s only half-black? Does that even count? Whatever, you get my point.”

When asked about his opinion on accepting gay and lesbian students, Powers laughed and replied, “Come on, now. We have a reputation to keep.”

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