Trevor Siemian yet to lose NFL game, virginity

Former Northwestern and current Denver Broncos quarterback Trevor Siemian kept his undefeated record as a starter with a win over the Bengals, and kept his virginity by not having sex with anyone. Siemian remains perfect to start his career and pure in the eyes of God. “I’m really proud of Trev,” said God, the Creator. “He might even be better than Tim Tebow.”

Following his four-touchdown 312-yard performance, Siemian appeared calm postgame, especially considering all of his excess testosterone that he’s not releasing through ejaculation. “I’m just taking it one week at a time,” Siemian said following his. “It’s my responsibility to come in every day, do my job and never have sex, after that I have confidence in my teammates to finish the job.” Siemian also expressed ambition for both his team and individual goals. “Being one of the all-time greats takes hard work and sacrifice,” he said. “If the difference between winning and losing is never experiencing the pleasure of sexual intercourse, then that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

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