Freshman Guide: Hooking Up with Upperclassmen
The first few weeks of your freshman year are a stressful, confusing, frustrating, sexy, sexy, sexy time, ladies and gentlemen. While you’re adjusting to your new surroundings, you’re also in a new pool of sweet, sweet babes and hunks that you just can’t wait to get to know...and get your mack on with ;). And, to be real, you’re looking to get freaky with an upperclassmen. Someone older, experienced, who, in between totally sucking face, can guide you, help you understand your surroundings. But, “It’s too intimidating”, you think, “they’re so much older, wiser, cooler, and more established than me, how could I ever approach someone like that!” Lucky for you, I’ve put together a few tips for hooking up with upperclassmen. So, unless you want to spend the whole year masturbating in your dorm, listen to me, rising junior and handsome person Genghis Leprechaun.
If I were you, I would skip the “wears Northwestern apparel all the time” phase of freshman year fashion, and go for an older look. Spring for the button down, the nice pair of jeans. Dress up! Wear a blazer to a party, why not?? I did that once and my ex-girlfriend thought I was trying to dress up to impress other people and cheat on her, so that’s proof that dressing up is a leisurely cruise to Love Lagoon. And I’m not just talking about at parties either, ladies and gentlemen, remember, there are great opportunities to meet new people all over campus! Like imagine if I was in one of your classes and you had like sweats on, I would not be very impressed. So dress up! I’m really into button-ups, personally, by the way. Just in case you were wondering, not trying to hit on you or anything. ;)
2. Join Extracurriculars!
Clubs and other student activities are a great way to meet people in general, but could be your express ticket to Hot Upperclassmenland. While they’re yammering away about their publication, their improv group, their quidditch team, you, ladies and gentlemen, are winking, smiling, and flirting your way into their hearts. By the way, just so you know, Sherman Ave is having rush soon. I’m actually one of the co-presidents, ha ha. Come chat me up! I don’t bite.
3. Be Confident!
You absolutely cannot afford to be hesitant to approach an upperclassmen and declare that you want to hook up with them. You need to be confident, strong, and direct, and really really obvious and not too mysterious. Just go up to someone, point at them, and utter “You’re hot, I’m hot, I think we should just be open about our feelings here, do you want to hook up with me?” and you’ll be riding a private jet to Makeout Island, population you. A lot of people will appreciate that, and also a lot of upperclassmen are really bad with subtlety and just appreciate being communicated with directly because playing games in the past has just always ended with him getting hurt and he really doesn’t think he can take any more heartache right now.
4. Wait is it okay if I just vent for a second, actually?
Okay, so, here’s the deal, I got out of a long-term, long-distance relationship at the end of the last school year and I’m really just looking to put myself back out there in anyway I can. Things ended really badly, but I’m ready to put it behind me, set my best foot forward, and go out in search of love again. It’s out there, and I know I’ll find it. And maybe it’s you? Wait, that’s really, really forward of me, I’m sorry. I just want to like, get coffee and get to know people, you know? I think you have a really great smile, all of you reading this article.
5. E-mail Me!
Listen, I’m just gonna leave my email here, it’s GenghisLeprechaun2018@u.northwestern.edu. Feel free to e-mail me any time if you just wanna chat, if you have any questions, or if you’re looking to board a direct flight to Bonetown--sorry, that’s kind of really inappropriate.
I hope you’ve found this article as helpful and informative as you’ve found me annoying but kind of charming! And thanks for listening, you’re such a great friend.
Want the chance to hook up with some sexy upperclassmen? Apply to Sherman Ave, and we'll make out with you!