Sherman Ave Interviews Homecoming Court: Erik Zorn

Last month, Sherman Ave sat down with all twelve members of this year's Northwestern Homecoming Court, and had conversations about love, life, and bad decisions made at Cheesie's.  All this week, we will be publishing these interviews in anticipation of voting for Homecoming King and Queen opening on the 11th of October. In this installment, Sherman Ave writers Prince Giblets, Angela Twerkel, and Officer Richard "Dick" Fuzz sat down with Erik Zorn, to talk about the U.S. News and World Report rankings, potato salad, Korn, and the most fuckable U.S. presidents.

Prince Giblets: Alright Erik, so how do you spell your first name?

Erik Zorn: E-R-I-K.

Giblets: Is it hard carrying the burden of having such a badass looking first name?

Erik: I mean, I get around.  I feel very powerful with that name.  It’s more unique than Eric with a C.

Officer Richard “Dick” Fuzz: How do you pronounce Erik with a K?

Erik: Eri-K.  Strong.

Giblets: It’s a hard K.

Erik: Exactly.

Angela Twerkel: So what’s your major?

Erik: I am a Plant Biology major.

Twerkel: Well, now that we got that freshman question out of the way...what are you involved in on campus?

Erik: I do too much!  Most notably, I’m Executive Vice President for ASG; and I’m also a tour guide.  In the past, I was president of the Residential College Board, and involved in NCDC and Chapin Residential College...and other stuff that I can’t remember right now.

Fuzz: Did you live in Chapin before it was nice?

Erik: I did.  It was my very first year.  When I came in, on the website, there was just a video of someone dancing with a body pillow, and then proposing to said body pillow...and I wanted to leave immediately!  But then it got so much better that year, and they developed renovations so that it was actually a nice place to live my sophomore year.

Giblets: They still have that body pillow?

Erik: I can’t find it anywhere, but that attic is a bit [pause] strange.

Fuzz: Who’s the hottest freshman you’ve seen so far?

Erik: That’s a good question!

Fuzz: Thank you.

Erik: I was there at March through the Arch at the end, as everyone was getting on to Deering Meadow...you know, I absolutely know none of their names, but...that’s so difficult.  I feel like this is a pretty decently attractive class.

Giblets: They get hotter every year.

Erik: Yeah, so clearly as seniors…[laughs]

Giblets: Yeah, I’m a senior too.  Our class is pretty ugly.

Erik: It’s unfortunate.

Giblets: But, you know.  What can you do.

Erik: At least there’s new potential going in.  Hopefully our rankings will go up as a result.

Giblets: Since you mention it...Northwestern did recently drop in the U.S. News and World Report rankings.  Who’s fault is it?

Erik: That is a good question - I feel like I’m going to say that for all these questions...I think a big thing that has been my issue within ASG has been that there’s little recognition for some of the really great things about Northwestern.  Like, sure we have good academics, and we have sports - you can say whether that’s good or not yourself - but I think what’s really strong at Northwestern, more than everyone who was at #1 through #12, is our student group involvement - but that’s not something that’s valued by the News Report, nor is it really valued by, like...I feel like the administration could do a little bit better in terms of acknowledging that.  And if they actually valued that, then people would actually be happy about their experience.  Eventually I think it would make our rankings go up.

Giblets: That was actually a really good answer to that question. [All laugh]

Erik: I swear the rest of these answers are not gonna be that great!

Giblets: I would have just been like, “eh, communists.”  

Fuzz: That’s why you write for Sherman Ave.

Twerkel: And that’s why we’re gonna ask you: Fuck Marry Kill: U.S. Presidents?

Erik: U.S. Presidents?...I honestly don’t know.  I mean, I would...I would marry Obama, just because I think you also get Michelle with that package, too.  She has such wonderful arms.

Twerkel: Oh yeah.

Erik: And then...fuck?  I don’t know.  There have been some attractive presidents.  I don’t know.  Someone would be a good time, I’m sure.

Fuzz: Taft?

Erik: Taft might be a little too much.

Twerkel: Teddy Roosevelt?

Giblets: Rutherford B. Hayes was pretty handsome.  That beard.

Erik: You know - why not?  They all have some strange facial hair.  And then...what’s the last one?

Giblets: Kill.  And careful, because this could be high treason.  Depending on how you answer the question.

Erik: I mean...I don’t know.  I figure Lincoln was already assassinated, so we could kill him twice.  Why not.        

Giblets: Is it too soon for Lincoln assassination jokes?

Fuzz: Way too soon.

Erik: I’m so sorry.

Giblets: It’s alright.  I’m not mad; I’m just disappointed.

Fuzz: How does potato salad get away with calling itself salad?

Erik: It’s just more delicious than regular salad.  People might say they once thought it to be healthy, but if they’re having potato salad, it’s like they can still claim it to be that, even though it’s definitely not.

Giblets: They can basically eat a bowl of mayonnaise and call it a salad.

Erik: Yeah.  Why not?  If pizza’s a vegetable, let’s go for it.

Fuzz: I guess that makes pizza a salad too.

Twerkel: Is pizza a vegetable?

Erik: It’s something about the tomato sauce.

Giblets: There’s enough tomato sauce on a pizza where, like, if you eat pizza, it fills your vegetable group.

Giblets: We’ll ask a dumb one: Since your last name rhymes with both corn, the vegetable or fruit or whatever, and the pioneering new-metal band Korn, with a K, who saw their career peak in the late 90s and early 2000s, what’s your favorite Korn song and why?

Erik: I don’t know, man.

Giblets: That’s the right answer to that question.

Erik: I was expecting you say it rhymes with something else, which a lot of people made fun of in high school.

Giblets: Fuck, I didn’t even think of that.

Fuzz: Wait, what is it?

Giblets: PORN.

[All snicker]

Erik: Someone wrote in my yearbook that I was eventually going to make Zorno’s Pornos. Actually, ErikZorn.com used to be a porn website, but then it got taken down my senior year of high school.

Twerkel: Did you take ’em out?

Erik: I wish I had that much power, like I do now.

Twerkel: To take the hottest freshman question uncomfortably far, who’s the hottest prospie you’ve given a tour to? You can include the family in that ranking. The whole package if you want.

Erik: I haven’t had that many attractive girls, but I had a very attractive guy on one of my tours. We’re going to say 18, and that it’s okay.

Giblets: He was clearly "ok."

Erik: Also, out of his parents were there, and you could tell he was from a, well, wealthy family. If you got together with this person you knew that you were going to be fine in life.

Twerkel: I’m currently drinking fifty-cent, 7-Eleven coffee so I’m clearly looking for my sugar daddy.

Fuzz: Is it hard to tell your right from your left on those tours?

Erik: I tend to do fairly well, actually. I’m left-handed so I’m always cognizant of that.

Giblets: How do they train you to do the walking backwards thing?

Erik: It just happens naturally. You’re thrown into it, so if you fuck up, you fuck up.

Giblets: Have you ever bumped into something?

Erik: Definitely. I’ve almost fallen into trees. There’s always the cars, and I tell my groups to warn me at the beginning.

Giblets: And they never fucking do.

Erik: It’s like “This is your fault, you wanted questions answered.”

Giblets: Guess they’re not getting in.

Erik: Bye. You are not one of the 12%.

Fuzz: What’s your most embarrassing moment at Northwestern?

Erik: Every moment in Organic Chemistry. Luckily I was never called out, but I was so frightened of my professor. I’m one of the very few Bio majors whose not pre-med, so I was like “why am I here, I don’t know shit”.

Giblets: What do think the ‘Party Potential’ of the Class of 2018 is? ‘Party Potential’ is measured on a scale of 1 to 46, where 13 is excellent, 27 is horrible, 45 is alright, and 32 is room for improvement. The rest you can extrapolate, obviously.

Erik: 32 - room for improvement.

Giblets: That’s fair, they just got here.

Erik: They’ve had two weeks. I was leaving Sherbucks--Starbucks on Sherman--at midnight and I saw so many upperclassman sitting on their porches, just clearly watching all the freshman go by. It was one of those glorious moments. Heaven forbid we actually go to one of those freshman parties. I think there’s room for improvement.

Giblets: They’ll get there. I trust them.

Erik: If we’re going to boost up in our rankings, they’re going to have to.

Giblets: Right, it’s their fault, really, that we dropped.

Twerkel: If you were an M. Night Shyamalan movie, which M. Night Shyamalan movie would you be?

Giblets: And why?

Erik: Can you provide me with some examples…?

Giblets: The Sixth Sense, The Happening, The Last Airbender...

Erik: Avatar: The Last Airbender??

Giblets: The really horrible, live-action version.

Erik: I had high hopes for that, as a Nickelodeon Avatar fan and Legend of Korra fan. It would be what I wish The Last Airbender had been. It had so much potential.

Giblet: But was so bad.

Erik: I think I watched it on the plane, so I didn’t even pay for the ticket. Well, I paid for the plane ticket, but yeah, it was a disappointment.

Giblets: When you go to Cheesie's, what do you get, besides indigestion and regret?

Erik: Pure happiness. People also judge me for… because their digestive systems just can’t handle the truth. It just fills you with happiness and joy and when I get those fried pickles or fried mac and cheese bites...in addition to a sandwich…

Giblets: Oh, you go big or go home.

Erik: Exactly.

Fuzz: Do you get a Capri-Sun?

Erik: I do not get Capri-Suns.

Fuzz: Describe yourself as an emoji or series of emojis, but explain the emojis with words so it just sounds like a really poorly constructed sentence.

Erik: Oh my goodness. That’s so strange. I really like all the monkeys that have to hold hand signals as well as the random two ladies together that are in cat suits.

Giblets: There are a bunch of emojis of ladies with their hand to the side.

Erik: It embodies my sassiness.

Twerkel: Have you found a way to make emojis dirty? Because I am currently working on that.

Erik: I know there are ways. I’m sure there’s a Buzzfeed article out there somewhere, but I have not personally.

Giblets: What do you love about Northwestern?

Erik: I just really enjoy how students are so passionate about something. You’re never really going to find a student that’s not doing something that they’re really interested in. Whether it’s their research or their classes or a student organization, you can learn so much about a person just by figuring out what their passion is…now I’m losing my train of thought. You’ll shop it.

Fuzz: We haven’t even mentioned Homecoming.

Giblets: Why do you think you should be Homecoming King?

Erik: [Long pause] I don’t know. I was surprised to be put on here anyway, so I’m just gonna...it’d be nice if you voted for me. I think everyone would be happy because then we can make eating Cheesie's at your heart’s content the norm. It’s not something that’s being judged....indigestion…

Giblets: Hey. I didn’t even write that question. [Pause] I approved it, I didn’t write it.

Erik: Thus, I would have thrown shade.

Giblets: That’s fair.

Fuzz: Did you win anything high school?

Erik: My senior superlative in high school was “most likely to return to my high school as a teacher.” I have no intention of doing so.

Twerkel: Did O.J. do it?

Erik: [Nods] I think so.

Fuzz: Final question...what’s something about you that no one else knows?

Erik: My mom is actually working by the Church, so her official title is “Sister Mary Gunderson.” I made a video my freshman year called “Sister Erik Gunderson,” which hopefully  will never see the light of day.

Giblets: We’ll get our best people on it.

Editors' Note: We couldn’t find the video, but we did find his winter quarter schedule from sophomore year: