Sherman Ave Interviews Homecoming Court: Brannon Bowers
Last month, Sherman Ave sat down with all twelve members of this year's Northwestern Homecoming Court, and had conversations about love, life, and bad decisions made at Cheesie's. All this week, we will be publishing these interviews in anticipation of voting for Homecoming King and Queen opening on the 11th of October.
In this installment, Sherman Ave editors Clint Taurus, Felicity Jenkins, and Prince Giblets sat down with the fantastically handsome Brannon Bowers (pictured above, with Sherman Ave editors on his back and between his legs), and talked to him about the Colts, circus performing, and what he would be if he were a series of emojis.
Clint Taurus: So Brannon, where are you from?
Brannon Bowers: I am originally from Indianapolis, Indiana.
Felicity Jenkins: Indiana? Isn’t it true that their state anthem is just a transcription of the 1986 film Hoosiers?
Brannon: It’s either that or A League of Our Own because that was also filmed in Indiana.
Clint: Who was your first love?
Brannon: 12-year-old Brannon was in love with Britney Spears.
Prince Giblets: She was hot. Was? Is.
Felicity: Forever will be.
Clint: In what year were you 12?
Brannon: That was 2004. So yeah 2004 Britney.
Giblets: Right before she had that slump.
Clint: Then you can say her resurgence was in like 2008.
Brannon: You can say it was another peak.
Clint: It’s been downhill from there.
Felicity: I think her next peak is coming.
Clint: She’s got some good press.
Felicity: So how do you spell your name?
Felicity: Are you sure?
Brannon: I am positive. Normally, I say it's “Brandon” with the “D.”
Giblets: Because we were actually getting really confused.
Brannon: It’s mostly actually a last name, so I just have two last names.
Felicity: And a Game of Throne’s character. Good, we got that Game of Throne’s reference in there.
Giblets: Brannon, what’s your major?
Brannon: I am a Theatre major.
Giblets: And what are you involved in?
Brannon: President of Arts Alliance. We also run Mee-Ow Improv and THUNK a cappella. I worked on The Dolphin Show for a couple years, and then I was a Wildcat Welcome Peer Advisor for two years. This is my first year not doing that. I did Dance Marathon. Ummmmmmmmm...I like to go to football games.
Clint: Are you a big football fan?
Clint: Colts fan?
Clint: How do you feel about the Philadelphia Eagles coming back from behind and making that Colts 0-2?
Brannon: It was a hard time watching it in my jersey on my couch. Because that’s how I watch all of them. But I have bigger fish to fry. You know, the Patriots can still keep sucking that’ll be great.
Clint: That would be great.
Brannon: And I can’t hate the Broncos for beating us because its Peyton.
Clint: Who’s on your jersey?
Brannon: I still have my Manning jersey. I should get a Luck or a Wayne jersey.
Giblets: So speaking of Andrew Luck. Have you ever seen the bridge that he lives under? Or have you ever fed him? Does he smell as bad as the townsfolk say he does?
Brannon: I have not had the pleasure of meeting him in person but from the interviews, I think he’s under one of the nicer bridges in Indianapolis. Like one of the more upscale ones.
Giblets: How much is his toll? Do you have to solve a riddle?
Brannon: I don’t think he’s smart enough for a riddle.
Clint: He went to Stanford. He should be smart.
Brannon: He’s smart at one thing. He’s got his thing that got him through. But, I just think you have to entertain him for about thirty seconds.
Felicity: So, you sound like a pretty accomplished guy, but did you know that one of the first results when you google your name is “Brannon Bowers has the best butt on campus” from Northwestern Crushes?
Brannon: That is not true.
Felicity: That is absolutely true. I will literally show it to you right now. [Shows him the Northwestern Crush]
Brannon: I guess I will accept it. I did not know that existed. What page is this?
Felicity: It’s Northwestern Crushes. You commented on it.
[All of the interviewers laugh maniacally]
Brannon: When was this from?
Felicity: 2013. But it’s still on the top of the search results.
Brannon: Oh my god!
Clint: Well speaking of butts and butt stuff, where’s your favorite place to take a shit on campus?
Brannon: It is the bathroom of the Barber Theatre lobby. Because there’s no one in there, and it’s nice as hell.
Giblets: I don’t even know where that is.
Brannon: Oh and also, you know with the automatic toilets you sit down, you lean forwards a little bit, and it automatically flushes on you? Never does that.
Brannon: And so you can even stand up, you can do whatever you want, you can walk out of the stall, and then it flushes.
Felicity: We actually did a guide on the best places to take a shit on campus, plug, shameless plug, and I didn’t even know that existed, so thank you.
Brannon: It’s amazing.
Felicity: I’m going to have to check that out. Around 4 o’clock today.
Clint: You have a schedule?
Brannon: Yep, it’s open Tuesday through Friday, 10-5 .
Felicity: That works with my schedule. Anyways, enough poop chat.
Giblets: All right… So the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the word “Bower” as a lady’s apartment in a medieval private hall or castle. My question to you is how many times have you seen a lady’s private apartment in a medieval hall or castle?
Brannon: I got to think back… There was that one time in England, one time in France, none in Italy though. I think just twice.
Giblets: That’s not bad.
Clint: That’s more than me.
Felicity: That’s more than the average human, I would say.
Brannon: Is that really the definition it comes up with?
Clint: Yeah, I looked it up.
Felicity: These are very thoroughly researched questioned.
Clint: We do a lot of research here on Sherman Ave.
Brannon: Okay great.
Clint: We’re known for our journalistic integrity. Alright, so you’re a performer obviously and you’ve been in productions, but how disappointed are people when they meet you and find out you’re not a one-man cover band of The Killers frontman Brandon Flowers?
Brannon: This actually came up my freshmen year, because there was a guy in the year above me, also a theater major, his name was Brandon Powers. So when I first got to campus I was constantly asked, “Have you met Brandon Powers? Have you met Brandon Powers?” And then he came over to me during Wildcat Welcome, and he was like, “Okay, so you and me and Brandon Flowers are going to make the next Destiny’s Child.” I’m still waiting for that to happen, but yeah, I’ve had many people disappointed.
Clint: Follow-up: Are you human or are you dancer?
Brannon: [long, thoughtful pause] I’m a dancer.
Felicity: That was a long, thoughtful pause.
Giblets: Well he was on his knees, looking for the answer, [Continues quoting the entirety of the song]
Felicity: So speaking of the arts, you’re a theater major. Do you miss the days when people only hated actors for carrying the bubonic plague and killing by proxy one-third of Europe, instead of being the loudest people in Norris?
Brannon: Did they actually blame actors for that? For both?
Felicity: As I said, these are very well-researched questions.
Brannon: Wow, well I was not aware that we were the cause for the bubonic plague spreading throughout Europe. I apologize for that.
Giblets: We forgive you.
Brannon: Thank you.
Felicity: It’s about time you guys apologized though.
Brannon: As far as being loud in Norris, I cannot vouch for all of us, but I can’t say we’re sorry.
Felicity: …You guys are gonna get so much shit for that.
Brannon: I know I apologize to everyone for that. It’s mainly because we just can’t help it.
Giblets: What would the coolest kid in your high school, Craig Malone, of course, think of you now? And what would you like to say to him?
Clint: Or her. Craig Malone is a unisex name.
Brannon: It’s unisex? Great. So the coolest person at my high school would be now… Okay, I’m thinking of our prom king…
Clint: Craig Malone.
Brannon: Craig Malone. Craig Malone would ask me where my beer gut is at, because he’s mad about his own.
Giblets: Got him.
Brannon: And I would say to him… Suck it.
Felicity: We’ll make sure he sees this.
Giblets: Yeah, fuck you, Craig Malone.
Felicity: Eat it, Craig.
Brannon: He sucks.
Clint: [Impersonating Craig Malone] Can’t I go one day without getting shit on Facebook? One damn day.
Giblets: He’s the worst.
Clint: So I have it on good authority that you are a trained circus performer. You have a background?
Brannon: I do take circus classes, yeah.
Clint: Oh, cool. So can you swallow a sword for us right now?
Brannon: Do you have a sword?
Felicity: I don’t own a sword, but I did scotch-tape three kitchen knives together.
Brannon: You did not.
Clint: No, we have some.
Brannon: I’d like to see them.
Clint: I’ll get them.
Felicity: Yeah… please do.
[Clint Taurus puts on a pair of kitchen gloves and exits the room]
Brannon: Wait, you need gloves to hold this?
Clint: Well it’s sharp.
Giblets: [Concerned whisper] Did we actually do this?
Felicity: No. I have no idea what he’s doing because we did not tape the kitchen knives together.
Felicity: Yeah, he’s very committed to this bit.
Brannon: I can do a number of things, but swallowing swords is not one of them.
Clint: So like juggling?
Brannon: Um, I’m actually a terrible juggler. I kind of do more apparatus stuff, like trapeze, like stilts. Stuff like that. And people can climb all over me and stuff. I could like, if you want, you could get on my shoulders.
Felicity: I would love to. I’m afraid of heights though.
Brannon: Oh really? Do you guys want to stand on my shoulders?
Clint: I’m scared of heights also.
Giblets: I’m scared of heights too!
Felicity: I’m not actually afraid of heights. Anyways...Can you describe yourself as an emoji or a series of emojis, but explain the emojis with words so that it sounds like a really poorly constructed sentence?
Brannon: Can I look at my emojis? I think I need a refresher, because I don’t use them that often.
Felicity: Yes. This is an open-note question.
Giblets: An open-book emoji quiz.
Clint: If you had to take an emoji quiz, how well do you think you would do?
Felicity: I mean, I just stick to a basic five. You’ve got your poop, you’ve got your happy face, sad face, food item...
Giblets: The winky-face with the tongue out is clutch, as well.
Clint: I like the sunglasses emoji.
Brannon: I’ll go through the ones I most recently used. [Looking at phone] Ok, so it’d be, um...Cha-Cha Lady...Really Big Grinny Face....Girl with Her Hand Up...and Devil with a Smirk.
Clint: I like that one.
Felicity: That question turned out so much better than I could have ever imagined.
Giblets: That was a pretty good answer to a horrible question.
Brannon: Could’ve been worse.
Giblets: So we did some light Facebook stalking, obviously, and we saw that you were in a production of Song of Myself this past spring. What would you say is the song of Brannon [pause] Bowers? Sorry, I forgot your last name for a second.
Brannon: Wow. I feel taken care of. The song of myself...like forever and always, or right now?
Giblets: Whatever you prefer.
Brannon: Ok. For right now, it’s definitely “Latch” by Disclosure. For all-encompassing, it would probably be…[long pause, then to himself] that is the stupidest answer…
Felicity: Say it!
Brannon: So, when I was younger, my favorite band was Queen. And the song I would listen to non-stop, and the title, and I’m really ashamed of myself for saying this, is “Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy.” You know that song?
Clint: That’s a great song!
Brannon: It’s a great song! But, that’s gonna sound a lot worse on paper.
Giblets: Oh, it won’t sound - I mean compared to the other stuff you’ll be fine.
Brannon: Great. I told someone to Suck It, so that should be great.
Giblets: Craig Malone is gonna be pissed.
Clint: I’m assuming you’ve been to Cheesie’s. What do you get there?
Brannon: Always The Tenderizer with a side of tots.
Clint: Are you a Tenderizer guy? I think it’s too filling.
Brannon: I mean, if you’re going to go to Cheesie’s, you go to Cheesie’s. Like people who get the, what’s it called, The Caprese? Is that what it’s called? [Sassily] Really?
Giblets: Yeah, fuck that shit. I agree. Go big or go home.
Clint: I like The Mac.
Giblets: That’s fair. It’s a standard, if you’re going and you just wanna have a chill night, you get The Mac.
Brannon: That’s my sister’s go-to.
Clint: The Tenderizer is good, though. If I’m going for it, I’ll get The Tenderizer.
Giblets: Why don’t we do a semi-serious one...what would you say that you really love about Northwestern?
Brannon: I love the initiative that students have on campus. Just because I didn’t have a lot of that before coming here, and just to have everyone not only be - of course - great at what they do, but just like freakin’ make it happen. People don’t sit back on their couches and do nothing - they keep going all the time, and I love that about Northwestern...he says to you guys sitting on a couch. But I promise that wasn’t a jab!
Felicity: It was a very good jab, if it was.
Giblets: Describe Homecoming in your own words. Like what does it mean to you?
Brannon: So I was a Wildcat Welcome Peer Advisor. So Wildcat Welcome has always been like “That is school pride!” And then it was last year that I found that Homecoming is also like that week of Northwestern pride, where everybody has already been here now for a while, and it really brings everybody together - like people come from out of town, like alumni come in, just to see how it’s progressed. And I think it’s a time for the school to actually come together, and do something together, which doesn’t happen very often. That’s what Homecoming should be, and attempts to do, and I think it’s starting to do that.
Clint: Do you think it’s gonna be better than last year’s Homecoming, when we lost to Ohio State? Who do you pick for the Homecoming game against Nebraska?
Brannon: I will always go for Northwestern! Especially against Nebraska?
Clint: Well, if you’re a gambling man…
Brannon: Ok, so Ohio State was like “we have a shot...” Nebraska is like “ok, if we just don’t fuck up…” If we don’t fuck up, we should be fine.
Giblets: Yeah, they suck. Alright, so let’s do one more...let’s do Fuck, Marry, Kill...
Brannon: I knew this was coming!
Giblets: ...the three of us.
Brannon: The three of you?
Giblets: There is a right answer.
Brannon: There is a right answer for Fuck Marry Kill the three of you...hmm...alright. I’d say marry Felicity…
Felicity: [Quietly] Yes!
Brannon: ...because she’s been the most understanding so far, based on the questions. Um…you look like you know what’s coming.
Brannon: Alright. Fuck Clint, Kill Giblets.
Felicity/Clint: That is the right answer!
Clint: You win the interview!
Felicity: We actually discussed this before-hand, too. Like in-depth.
Brannon: See, I was reading through the old ones, and I was like “they’re gonna ask me Fuck Marry Kill...is it gonna be, like, Morty, PTI, and Willy? Is it gonna be the Homecoming Court?”
Clint: We’re not obsessed with the staff of Northwestern.
Felicity: More we’re obsessed with ourselves.