Letters from Teachers Translated
When I was younger, I was labeled a “problem case” by my guidance counselor. This label was slapped on me to explain the numerous incidents I got into during my elementary schools days. My status as a “problem case” continued into high school. My teachers, being people who entered in to the thankless, noble career of teaching were afraid of conflict. Specifically, conflict that had to do with me. In an attempt to remedy this issue, they wrote letters to my parents encouraging intervention. Below are the letters my teachers sent home with me. They are partially paraphrased but the original gist of the letters are intact. Also below are my translations of the letters in what I believe my teachers really wanted to tell my parents.
1st Grade
Teacher:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
Your child is experiencing trouble transitioning to the 1st grade. I was hoping we can meet to discuss this issue in the near future…
Translation:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
During playtime, all your son does in quietly sob in the closet. He has demons that need to be talked about.
3rd Grade
Teacher:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
It has come to my attention that your son has been giving some children unfair help with their homework assignments. Because of this, I regret to inform you that your son will be spending the month of November in detention…
Translation:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
Clint has been charging his peers $5 for his “Homework Helper” service where he will complete their homework for them. I wouldn’t have found out if A. your son’s handwriting wasn’t so underdeveloped and B. he didn’t write a swastika and the sentence “I heart Nazis” on his bully’s homework.
6th Grade
Teacher:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
We need to discuss your son’s interaction with his classmates. He is not transitioning to the middle school grades ideally, and I would like to discuss what can be done at home to encourage a better transition…
Translation:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
We believe that your son has attempted to poison his classmates during snack time. The girl who rejected him to the dance brought in cupcakes that Clint refused to eat because he apparently thinks that “frosting is for the weak.” The rest of the class including myself enjoyed the cupcakes but soon afterwards found ourselves experiencing explosive diarrhea. I don’t have any proof that your son tampered with these cupcakes, but I have on good authority that he has been researching laxative methods at the computer lab. Is it crazy of me to think that he poisoned us?
7th Grade
Teacher:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
Can we meet to discuss your son’s progress in algebra?
Translation:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
Ok. I have no way to know this for sure but I think Clint put malware onto my computer after I failed him for not showing his work a recent test. I just thought I had a virus until Clint walked over to me during class and asked me “how’s your computer?” THAT’S NOT A NORMAL QUESTION. And he did so vampire like. Wait. Is your son a vampire? I’ve never seen him enter a room without getting invited in, and the boys say he never appears in the bathroom mirror even when he’s in front of it. Also, he drinks blood, but I’m not sure if that’s a Mexican thing or not.
10th Grade:
Teacher:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
We need to discuss why your son arrives to school so early…
Translation:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
Ok so, Clint shut off the entire school's heating because he upset at the quality of lunch we have been serving. I'm not sure if you two are familiar with how cold it gets during January in Chicago, but it gets pretty cold. When we attempted to discipline him he told us that he would levy a hex on our souls and the souls of our first born. Does your son have the powers of black magic behind him? Alternatively, is your son the Devil/Satan/Lucifer/Iblis/Azazel/The Prince of Darkness? These are both serious questions.
12th Grade
Teacher:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
Your son was involved in a verbal altercation with a staff member today. She left her position today. This is something we think you two should be made aware of…
Translation:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
Of all the great monsters of history, your son has the potential to be king among these damned souls. His College Seminar instructor called him “crazy” the other day, which I will admit was out of line. However, your son, in front of the entire class, walked over to her desk and inspected her University of Wisconsin-Madison decorations. He tore down a pennant and said “Wisconsin, eh? State school, right? Cute. I just want you to remember that I will always be smarter than you.” His instructor then left the class in near tears and has quit her job because your son was “creating an unsafe learning environment.” I pray to god that Northwestern chills him the fuck out.
Freshman Year
Teacher:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
We would like to welcome your family to SESP! Your son has declared his major to be Secondary Teaching…
Translation:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taurus,
All hope is lost for your son’s future students.
