Opinion: Eating Foods Other Than AEPi Hotdogs This Week is Hateful, Anti-semitic
Dog Days: The week all of the NJBs of AEPi occupy every inch of campus to bring us four meals a day that rival the finest restaurants of Chicago. Hotdogs 24/7.
Despite the competitive price of the delicious and philanthropic dogs, I’ve seen something disgusting take place on this campus. I’ve seen friends eating at dining halls, ordering Postmates, and even patronizing the godawful restaurants at Norris.
This is my call for the last shred of humanity on this campus. It’s incredibly clear that passing by an AEPi hotdog stand to eat unkosher, non-philanthropic food is not only rude, but also overtly anti-semitic. When you quickly walk by, staring at your phone’s lock screen as an AEPi brother cries out for your support (“TWO DOLLA HOTDOG ONE DOLLA WATA”) and you feign deafness, you’re actively contributing to the oppression of religious groups on campus. Literally eating anything else this week is incredibly problematic. When you bite into that overcooked Sargent chicken instead of a hotdog or chug that Busch Lite in a frat basement instead of a $1 water, you’re choosing the side of the oppressor. You might as well be drawing swastikas on your face, jackass.
This week, if you even want to think about calling yourself a good person, there is no eating vegetables unless it’s one of the veggie dogs from the AEPi stands. There is no eating bread unless it’s a hotdog bun or a challah from Challah for Hunger. I’m not saying that you aren’t allowed to eat any other food besides Dog Days hot dogs this week, I’m just saying that when you do, you’re basically spitting on the face of a sweet, innocent Jewish child at his bar mitzvah.