Freshman Guide: Northwestern Slang
Sup froshes. Normally we wouldn’t do this, but we’re worried for you guys. Northwestern just announced that this year the acceptance rate was only 9%, more competitive than years past, bla bla bla. You know what that means? It means you’re all fuckin nerds. Since you’ve obviously been too busy solving 4-page-long equations “just for fun”, we’re gonna throw you a bone to make your freshman year a little easier. Here’s an nerd-proof guide to all of the Northwestern slang you’re gonna need to know so that when Wildcat Welcome rolls around, you’ll know what to say when your PWild counselor asks if you want to LMATTPBCFUS*, you won’t end up naked and shivering on the Plex basketball courts.
*LMATTPBCFUS: Let’s Meet At The Plex Basketball Courts For Unprotected Sex. If someone texts this to you, you’re in luck -- it sounds like they have a little crush on you ;)
CAPS: Come Audition for the Panini players. Situation: your friend said she needed to have a private conversation with you and says that maybe you should go to CAPS. Pfft. Audition for the Panini Players? What a fucking insult! Don’t be tricked by their sensitive, empathetic tone--you aren’t a dweeb trying to larp onstage and make weird sex jokes.
SPAC: Literally just the reverse of CAPS. They’re trying to get in your head. Read between the lines.
Hardo: You go hard! Grant from Yo Gabba Gabba or whatever frat kicked you out and called you a hardo on your way out the door. This is just standard risk management--he knows you go way harder than any other freshman there and didn’t want the others to feel inferior--maybe it was your story about how you blacked out at your bar mitzvah! Or maybe when you started comparing SAT scores with everyone in the room? Regardless, you’re in good shape for being alpha bid.
“Sailing team party”: Basement orgy.
Rocks for Jocks: this is a Northwestern tradition! Next time you hear someone talk about their homework for rocks for jocks like it’s a class, know that it’s just slang for the NU tradition of throwing bricks at student athletes. Make sure to keep one of those babies handy for the next time you see a Northwestern Basketball backpack in the grilled chicken line at Sargent--then whip that sucker at him. Go ‘cats!
- SAE: Standard American English. Definitely avoid at all costs. Stick to your new Northwestern slang.