Northwestern Researchers Find Harmful “AND” Gene in DNA
EVANSTON, IL--After months of studying the human genome, genetic researchers at Northwestern University have linked the university’s culture of over commitment to a specific gene. The “AND” Gene--found only in Northwestern’s student body--has been connected to loss of sleep, personal crisis, and compulsive networking.
“Originally we thought the ‘AND’ gene was harmless” reported head researcher Seri Ly, “We didn’t think there was anything wrong with being an English, Physics, and Neuroscience major who also plays the clarinet, but as our team continued our research we found that the ‘AND’ gene can actually be very harmful.”
By the end of the study, scientists were able to identify a xylophone-playing-break-dancing-pre-med-programmer who also a wrote for the Daily. The subject was reported to have averaged six hours of sleep per week, dramatically hindering their ability to enjoy themselves in social situations or date other students. “The ‘AND’ gene has some serious risks,” Ly warned reporters at a briefing, adding, “Also, what kind of niche job market requires the xylophone AND biomedical engineering?”
Despite the researchers’ findings, some are still skeptical about the adverse effects of the “AND” Gene.
“I don’t think the ‘AND’ gene is at all harmful” Morton O. Shapiro told reporters after hearing about the study, “I mean I have ‘AND’ in my DNA, and I haven’t had any issues. For instance, I drive a Mercedes AND a Mclaren, and where do I drive them? In a Northwestern direction.”