Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Facebook Group
Hello to you, fretful freshman. If you’re like most normal people (chances are actually pretty slim) then you’ve probably already joined the “Northwestern University-Class of 20whatever” Facebook group. Mazel!
You’ve become a part of an enthusiastic and constructive group that will both guide you through your journey to campus and validate your acceptance into this notable institution.
Ah, so naïve.
I’m sure by now, if you are, in fact, like most normal people, you’ve realized you were horribly mistaken and that the “Northwestern University-Class of 20whatever” Facebook group is actually where dreams go to die.
Within days, nay, hours of joining the group, it is likely that you noticed the alarming number of posts on atypical topics and very, very personal anecdotes. It is also likely, because of the apparent ineptitude of your future classmates, that you’ve experienced hysterical fits of anxiety and regret evoked by the reminder that your decision to attend this university is irreversible.
But worry not, dear freshman. The Facebook group paints a much more dismal picture of Northwestern than its reality. Granted, this school has its fair share of freaks and geeks, but the notorious Facebook personalities are manifested much differently on campus then they are online.
Let me explain.
1) The Extremist
On Facebook: The Extremist posts three-16 times per day and leaves no thread unmarked. Everyone in the group recognizes her by first and last name and her presence is often brought up as icebreaking material in conversations among other incoming freshmen. Her posts often receive minimal response, but that doesn’t hinder her devotion. Social standards are clearly beneath her. You also probably know more about her than you do about yourself.
On campus: The very poster who harassed your news feed for months will rise to stardom the moment she steps foot on campus. She will be come an overnight celebrity for no reason other than mutual obsession. You will receive an excessive amount of Snap Chats of her walking alone on campus, her asleep in class and the back of her head. The sight of her is simply irritating. You might think that this infatuation will die down once the initial excitement fades, but it does not.
2) The Egoist
On Facebook: This is the guy who is just really pleased with himself. He’s the person who will contrive several posts outlining both his entire high school experience and his college application process. Though no one might ask, he will offer his GPA, both his SAT and ACT scores, his resume, and perhaps even a letter of recommendation. He comments pompously on almost every post, and seems to get along nicely with the Extremist.
On campus: The Egoist quickly becomes the overachiever. He joins clubs, leads groups and probably even writes for a publication. Go him! You will probably rarely see him on campus but will still know all of this because he will continue to post incessantly about his accomplishments. He also just sucks.
On Facebook: This scoundrel sneaks her way into the group and leaves a series inappropriate posts on the page. You will most likely be perplexed by the Troll’s presence, as her posts will either be indecipherable or incredibly insulting. There is often a #selfie or two thrown in the mix as well. At first you’ll probably dismiss the Troll as another insufferable incoming freshman, but after a few days and a farewell post, she will be blocked from the group.
On campus: The Troll does not attend Northwestern University.
4) The Philosopher
On Facebook: The Philosopher will concoct posts wrangling with the concepts of life, love and the future. His posts will most likely start with: “Isn’t it weird how…” or “I was just thinking…” and end with him asking for your thoughts on the topic, though he isn’t actually interested. His posts usually lead to a long thread of comments by the same two people (Extremist and Egoist) that eventually dies down into a sad “Go ‘Cats!” His presence might be a little irritating, but eh, whatever.
On campus: You will more than likely never see, hear from, or remember this person ever again.
5) The Creep
On Facebook: The Creep is silent but deadly. He will seldom, if ever, actually post on the page and instead will take to befriending all the girls in the group he deems attractive enough to court. He will literally scroll down the group’s member roster and add hundreds of incoming freshmen. He will proceed to message the girls trusting enough to accept his request and will continue to do this until he is either blocked or school starts.
On campus: You will only talk to the Creep when one or both of you are highly intoxicated. Besides this, you will exchange uncomfortable glances on Sheridan and try to pretend you don’t know each other. Usually it works.