Op-Ed: Listen Up You Little Shits, Without Prison Investments There Would Be No Free Pizza at Basketball Games by the NU Investment Manager

Alright you ungrateful brats, let’s get straight to the point. Over the past couple of years this campus has seen a variety of movements pop up, urging me and the administration to pull our investments out of a number of “unsuitable” financial ventures that you smarmy turds don’t approve of. The latest of these groups wants the school to stop investing in private prisons, which, let me tell you, really boils my fucking blood. Outside of the fact that this makes my already difficult job that much harder, these pushy little punks never stop to consider the far-reaching implications of their actions. So here’s the dirty truth, Northwestern: without the money from our investments in prisons there would be no free pizza at basketball games. Let that sink in for a second. Whenever you take a bite into that pepperoni-clad, lukewarm slice of pizza pie—at no charge, mind you—you have directly benefited from Northwestern’s financial investments in private prisons. Gather round you unappreciative little shits, because you’re about to get a lesson on how the real world works. My job is to make fiscal decisions and assemble investment portfolios to help pay for the wide and diverse palette of services Northwestern University offers, and I have to make compromises, a word you childish activists could stand to learn. I made the compromise of investing in prisons so that I could give the undergraduate population here the gift of free pizza for a limited number of students before select basketball games. Does it still weigh on my conscience once in awhile? Sure. But I would make that call again in a second. And I dare any of you “ethically perfect” members of this new divestment movement to look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t do the same.

Ready to reconsider your “morally unassailable” stance on our prison investments, you entitled hypocrites? Did you think that free pizza grows on free pizza trees? Or maybe you thought the owners of a local fast-casual Italian restaurant donated it out of the goodness of their hearts? Wake up, kids, that pizza is straight out of the prison investment cash bank, and you can’t have one without the other. I’m not the one benefiting from the free pizza; I have no dog in this fight. It’s time to put up or shut up, you privileged brats. You love the sausage, this is how it’s made.