Last year, we successfully lobbied the Capital One Bowl to choose Northwestern, leading to NU's historic defeat of Georgia that launched the current 10-0 season the 'Cats are enjoying. This year, we're at it again with an open letter to the powers that be at the Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl. Dear Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl,
Alright you fuckers, listen up. We don't want you and you don't want us. That's just how it is, and we get that. But there's no getting around the fact that we both need each other, so the sooner we learn to get along, the better.
We know we're in a bad spot here, and we know you're screwed too. We brought it upon ourselves by losing seven straight and falling into ineligibility for postseason play. You brought it upon yourself by choosing as your sponsor a pizza company whose main selling point is that the pizza will likely have been heated up (no Detroit jokes here, we've got class). But what's in the past is done, and the only way either one of us is getting out of this mess is if we work together.
So here's the plan: We will continue to lose football games and you will proceed to choose us anyway. No, I'm not crazy, just hear me out.
As desperate as we are, I know you've got it even worse. You're stuck trying to convince people to watch a bowl game that features a MAC team that doesn't have Jordan Lynch. And on top of that, you've got to convince people to actually travel to Detroit, the birthplace of American sad (yeah, we lied), and pay money to attend the game. Needless to say, your task is Herculean.
But there is
good news! You also get to choose the eighth best team from the nation's fifth best conference to fill the other slot in your game! And in Northwestern you'll find the solution to all the aforementioned problems. A program with high national name recognition thanks to some misguided GameDay producers? Check. A team from a major market that's close enough that fans can drive to the game and back home on the same day so they aren't forced to spend a night in Detroit's finest hotel (The Ramada off of 75 near Southgate)? Check. A fanbase with such low expectations that a close loss in a shitty bowl would still spawn plenty of "wow, we really went out there and competed" chatter? Checkity check check.
In short, we're the whole package. Minus the on-field results or bowl eligibility.
But believe me, sad humans whose job is to organize the Little Caesar's Pizza Bowl, if you're willing to stand with us, if you're willing to fight with us, if you're willing to petition the NCAA for an eligibility waiver with us, then I can guarantee that we will not let you down. Unless we do. We do tend to do that a lot. It's kind of our thing.
In short, you need a Big Ten team. We are a Big Ten team. Could I make it any more obvious?