Hi, I’m Paul... McCartney and I’m Trapped in the Body of a Three-eyed Monkey

…Hi.

It’s… me. Maybe you’ve been looking for me. Or maybe you figured I was dead. Or maybe you’ve forgotten about me completely. But I want you to know: I am alive. And you’ve probably looked me right in the eye. After all, I have three of them.

I may have popped up on your TV screen when you watched Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius. Or when you flocked to the theaters for the Oscar-winning film Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius. Or perhaps when you canceled all your plans to watch The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour. There I was, even in those crossover eps. I glanced at the gorgeous sunset. I waved. Then I looked right at you.

“Hi, I’m Paul.”

What you didn’t see was the pain hiding behind the three eyes of this here monkey. What you didn’t see was me.

Prepare for a Brain Blast, because here we go.

“Everybody’s Got Something To Hide But Me And My Monkey” was released by my band, The Beatles, in July of ‘68. It was a cool Summer night when I was down by the ol’ Pond, looking for some inspiration. Out of nowhere, I saw something glowing from within an old, knotted oak tree. I reached inside and, there it was, the lyrics I had been looking for all along. Little did I know of the enormous cost--the curse that would befall me.

In the months following, I felt myself start to change. I started to lose my voice. Hair sprouted over my body. I stopped doing concerts and interviews entirely. A third eye began to emerge from underneath my shaggy, boyish cut. Eventually, I retreated from the world altogether, casting myself away on a deserted isle–– far, far away from Linda and the boys.

Then I got the internship at Nickelodeon. I had applied on a whim from an internet cafe down the street (the isle wasn’t totally deserted, you know) and received my acceptance within days. It took years of getting coffee and filling in the storyboards of old Ren and Stimpy episodes, but I eventually climbed the corporate ladder all the way to the top.

Hi, I’m Paul McCartney, the Head of Creative Programming at Nickelodeon.

After four seasons of Jimmy and years of syndication, I have become a very rich man--erhm--monkey. I have a job any man would kill for. What I make in five days has financed my human daughter Stella McCartney’s fashion line for the past 10 years. I live a life of luxury on the white sands of my island home. I get pussy whenever I want.

But I am not happy. I am tired of being a three-eyed monkey. I’ve seen too much. And I won’t be happy until I am returned to my rightful body. I still maintain hope that the curse may be broken, but time is running out. I need your help - the pain grows worse daily. Share this article to raise awareness - together, we can make me human again.