Project Wildcat Renamed Project Pretty Wildcat

Last Tuesday, administrators announced that the beloved pre-orientation program, Project Wildcat, would be restructured and renamed Project Pretty Wildcat. University officials stated that the original program was “just like, more intense than we originally thought, you know?” but assured parents and students that although the new program wouldn’t be super wild, it would still be Pretty Wild (wink and finger guns).

The program will be restructured so that students hike fewer miles per day and can use GoPros instead of those shitty disposable cameras that everyone on Project Wildcat just like somehow knew to bring. Although administrators are still scouting out new locations, they announced that instead of camping in Buttfuck, Minnesota, maybe new students could just pitch some tents on Ryan Field for a long weekend or something like that. Another suggested change for Pretty Wild was rather than force feeding campers low-quality cheese and peanut butter, each student could be given a prepaid Postmates account or maybe Sodexo could donate some quesadillas to the program.

First-year student Samantha Patagonia was heartbroken that the new program is less rugged. Patagonia stated that the program “changed her life”, and that she would NEVER cut off that little rope that the counselors branded onto her wrist.

Others felt differently about the program's new, diluted direction. Upon hearing this news,  class of 2021 member Kendall Klein said that this change made her feel safer upon entering college. In an interview, she stated that she wanted a program where she could meet her “future bridesmaids” but isn’t looking to die from this or this or this before Wildcat Welcome even starts.

Thankfully, this restructuring and renaming allows the program to sustain its super chill nickname “PWild”, and the illusion that “It’s Your Trip”. And you’ll never forget that sweet feeling deep inside of wondering how your $70,000 tuition is being spent because it is certainly not put towards these “rainproof” “tarps”.