Freshman Guide: Courtship
Congratulations! You’re starting your freshman year at one of our nation’s most prestigious Northwestern University, which you definitely picked over Brown. I’m sure you’ve studied your butt off and done tons of extracurriculars to get here.
But with all that hard work, you probably have very little experience with flirting and courtship! Luckily, I am an expert on flirting and courtship, as well as formal table-setting (more on that later). So, here’s a step-by-step strategy for totally crushing interactions with your crush!
1. Make sure they know you’re interested.
Don’t waste time dropping “subtle hints.” Subtlety can only be afforded in sparkling water. You need them to know now! If you know you’re going to see them, slip a note into their dorm room, which from preliminary crush investigation, you should already have found. Write something like: I plan to flirt with you tonight. Now they will know to flirtily avoid you the entire night—oh, the thrill of the chase!
2. Customization = Optimization!
Now, you’re at the function with your crush. Let’s assume they saw your note and are prepared for intense courtship. BUT—before you approach them, customize your flirt by giving them “the up-down.” In fact, give them several up-downs. Identify what you think their best features and worst features are, and then compliment them only on their WORST features. This will trick them into thinking that you don’t care about looks, or are stupid and therefore easy to mate with.
3. The “Laugh-choke”
By this point, hopefully you’ve been flirting at your crush for a few minutes. You may notice an uncomfortable look on their face. This is just them adjusting to how sweet you are. You also may see them glance over at their friend and mouth the words save me. They mean save me from how I am falling in love! But that sentence is far too long to mouth. Now, before there’s a lull in the convo, start laughing really loud and then pretend to choke. Hold you breath so your face gets red and put your hands around your neck (the universal sign of a good flirt). This performance will tell you one of two things: either your crush, who saves you with the Heimlich (or mouth-to-mouth if you’re lucky), is a Red Cross certified lifeguard and therefore a good mate, or, if they yell for help, that they can delegate tasks—a quality of a good leader or future CEO.
4. The Follow Up
If everything went well with the choking incident, your crush ran out of the party before you even had the chance to commend them for their actions. This means you should follow them around and “gently nudge” them until they accept your offer of a second date. Not that they won’t. But if they won’t (I’ve actually seen it happen), it’s just because they are modest. Think about it: it’s enough to be known as a life saver. But then, to be worthy of a second date with you? I mean, come on, it’s you.
5. The “Latency Period”
The hardest part of the chase—the wait. At this point they are probably playing what we call “XTREME Hard-to-Get.” But don’t be discouraged. Yes, you might have to wait a while before they unblock you on all social media platforms. In fact, it might never happen. But all fine romances start with patience and prolonged rejection. So, in the spirit of millennial luv affairs, always remember: People Are Disposable. Find a new target and start again at step one!
Happy Hunting, Wildcat ;)!