Northwestern Football Preview - Duke Blue Devils vs. Northwestern Wildcats

PREDICTION: Duke 27, Northwestern 10

In 2015, only two teams were able to achieve perfection: 0-12. Kansas, pretending once again that it was basketball season, reached 12 losses for the first time since 1954. Rock Chalk, baby. Central Florida pushed hard, firing their head coach after a successful 8 loss run, but the Knights were able to pull defeat from the jaws of victory. Northwestern fans, this is our year.

After being embarrassed at home by both Yet Another Directional Michigan and Who Gives A Shit State, we find ourselves at the bottom of the Big Ten. We’re beneath Maryland, Purdue, and even Rutgers. Fucking Rutgers, you guys. This is our chance. We can reclaim our rightful place as the shittiest team in FBS college football, a title we haven’t held since 1982. Our offensive coordinator is asleep at the wheel, we’ve replaced our O-Line with a wet napkin, the team looks as if they just lost a bar fight – I believe. I believe in the mediocrity of this program. I believe in our horrible play calling, our sloppy defense, our thoughtless penalties. I believe in us. It’s time.

It’s time for us to put away the face paint and flags, the jewelry and the wigs. Get your keys ready, and say it with me: “That’s alright, that’s okay, you’ll all work for us someday.” Go ‘Cats.

KEY MATCHUPS:

World-renowned research v. Top-ranked teaching

Turns out, the professors really don’t want to go to that 9 am organic chemistry lecture either.

Academic excellence v. Big Ten athletics

You chose to come to Northwestern, we all know you’re pic*king academics. Fuckin’ nerd. 

Vibrant college town v. World-class city

Evanston is as spicy and colorful as mayonnaise. Chicago will literally kill you.

Put Your Hands Up In The Air v. Let Me Clear My Throat

We all know that Danzel’s “Put Your Hands Up In the Air” is a lyrical masterpiece, so the question on everyone’s mind is will Northwestern fans be able to forget their iconic anthem so soon and rally behind DJ Kool’s 1996 hit? Only time will tell.