Brian Williams To Return To NBC Nightly News With 10 Million Dollar Raise, Reports Brian Williams

New York, NY -- Hey world. It’s me. Brian Williams. 10 year anchor and managing editor of NBC Nightly News, if you’ve heard of it. You probably also remember how I won a Peabody Award for my extensive coverage of the tragic Hurricane Katrina. And I like to think most of my friends consider me a pretty “cool” guy. But lately, you might have read my name in some not so “cool” headlines. I know what you’re thinking. That Brian Williams guy maybe isn’t the best person. And I can understand how you feel that way.

But listen, I’ve had a pretty bad couple of months. I’ve had a lot of time to think over my transgressions. The lies, the stories, the fabrications…and I feel terrible. I mean truly awful. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t regretted embellishing my journalistic experiences in the field and documenting these embellishments as truth to sell to a trusting American public, securing my own fame and fortune. Not one day.

That is why I am excited and honored to announce that I will be returning as lead anchor on NBC Nightly News, with a 10 million dollar raise, and will hold this position until the day I die, kinda like the Supreme Court justices.

Sources also report that NBC Nightly News will have casual Fridays, free donuts with chocolate icing and the rainbow sprinkles on top, and that Dave from accounting will bring his golden lab into the office at least twice a week.

It is a true privilege, and I promise I won’t disappoint. No embellishment from this point on. Scout’s honor. I’ve learned my lesson. Can’t wait to get back to the grind.

By god, I’ve missed the peacock.

See you tonight, only on NBC.

Yours, Brian