Opinion: Literally Fuck You All - by Earth
Oh whoop de doo, looks like it’s fucking Earth Day again. Here we go. Thanks for setting aside a day to celebrate me, guys. This whole thing is totally working. Things sure are better than they were LAST earth day. I really appreciate you all taking a second to stop dumping trash on my face and pissing in my oceans to watch Planet Earth for an hour or some shit. The polar ice caps and I are so honored. Or what’s left of them anyway.
Speaking of what’s left, the last tree in the rainforest is still hanging in there.
Way to save him. You did it. Yay you. Go you.
Are you still reading even though I stopped talking about Planet Earth? Ya? I’m surprised. You guys eat that shit up.
Maybe just this once for Earth Day you science teachers out there will show a clip of those mass migrations across Africa. Look at them run! So majestic! Even a 10-year-old knows nature is pretty dope and we should protect it, right?
No better way to experience it than on a projector screen it took your Chem 101 teacher twenty minutes to set up. Soak in all the plants kids. This is what a flower looks like. Soon they will all be gone.
Oh, children of the earth! You would be our future if we had one.
Here’s lookin’ at you, kids. You hopeless, helpless, doomed generation of the human race that will never understand the expression, “a breath of fresh air.”
You see those western black rhinos, kids?
They don’t make those kind of rhinos anymore.
The rhinos are fucking extinct, kids. They’re gone. Gone forever.
The air is turning black, kids. Where you live will soon be under water, kids. All shall be death and destruction. Drought and darkness. Everyone will starve, kids. Everyone.
And there’s nothing you can do about it.
Do you wanna know why, kids?
So mommy and daddy could have bigger paychecks and taller buildings and faster Escalades to drive you to karate or to the mall to dick around at Hot Topic or to Holiday Inn to fuck Jim from corporate.
So HEY LISTEN UP EARTH IT’S EARTH TALKING. You guys just keep on recycling your Dasanis when you happen to see a recycling bin and turning your lights off when you kinda feel like it.
I’ll just be here. Being the earth. Spinning the filth into oblivion until there’s nothing left and I am left to sit here waiting for the sun to fucking explode already.
Burn me. Burn it all down. Make it quick and merciful. Oh god, oh god how I have suffered. Please. Please take me out of my misery. Please God make it stop. The poaching. The Bachelor. The oil spills. Oh, the scars on my face. The things I’ve seen. The horror. The horror!
Looking forward to next year.