An Analytical Postulation on the Upcoming Episode of GOT (For Real Fans Only)
The much anticipated final episode of the monumental television show Game of Thrones is quickly approaching. Fan-generated theories have swarmed every dominant social media platform known to man, woman, and dragon. After spending countless hours dedicated to thorough research, hypotheses, and rebuttals, I have comprised a thorough and concise prediction of what to expect in the coming weeks. I warn you, this article contains irrefutable spoilers. Please read at your own discretion, but stop now if you’re a weenie.
They all die. Every last one of those fuckers. Game of Thrones doesn’t matter, but what does is how you pussies will take it. After the sole remaining in-bred takes his last overacted breath and the screen cuts to black, you and your weeping band of human errors will be left with nothing but pudgy fingers caked in hot cheeto dust and expired condoms in your wallets.
As you return to life in the matrix, you’ll find yourself uncontrollably horny. No longer able to choke your chicken with a tie so tight around your neck that you see God herself while thinking about how hot it is for a medieval aunt and nephew to make tender love to each other, you will be left craving some sweet creme de la pussy. You’ll hit up that Tinder gal from fall quarter who finishes slower than the Bran-Jaime reunion (8 seasons, y’all), because you are just now realizing that you haven’t gotten laid since the SAD hit. She’ll come over and you’ll get the adequate half chub, ripping open that expired condom you had tucked away for so long. You’ll spill your seed before you finish humming the opening credits theme song in your head, but you’ll still work to please your queen afterwards. You’ll work your dark magic, making her moan louder than any GoT man ever made his sister. Her pleasure will intensify, you’re doing so well you fucking geek. She’s almost there, almost there, almost...wait..what?...no..no no...what’s happening...why is she screaming? WHY THE FUCK IS SHE SCREAMING?
A fireball made of hot cheeto dust shoots out of her lips, and now you too are dead.
Line Producer Lisa McAtackney
Executive Story Editor Bryan Cogman
Visual Effects Supervisor Joe Bauer