6 Ways to Grab Their Attention at the Career Fair Without Setting Yourself on Fire

Recruiting season is upon us, which means it’s time to brace the inevitable: the Norris career fair. We know it can be stressful — I mean, I know my dad hasn’t stopped berating me with emails telling me that he’ll disown me if I don’t make it onto Forbes 30 Under 30 — but with the right intel, you’ll be able to ace the first impression, get the job, and maybe even be invited to your own family’s Thanksgiving dinner. And no matter what other people tell you, your best option is NOT lighting yourself on fire.

Strategy #1: Light someone else on fire

This one is a little counterintuitive—won’t the person you light on fire get all of the attention? Not necessarily! This tactic is especially helpful in the event that you already know you and your roommate are competing for the same Goldman Sachs finance internship, and he has a leg up because his dad is the CEO. Think about it: if you set him on fire, there’s no way he’ll be healed up in time to get to that Super Day next weekend!

Strategy #2: Douse yourself in lighter fluid, but don’t set yourself on fire

This classic tactic gives you just the right amount of shock value to everyone around you without any of the negative effects of third degree burns and arson.

(Sherman Ave insider tip: calmly asserting “I’m going to light myself on fire” to the nearest recruiter as you massage lighter fluid into your skin is a great way to spark a conversation, and great for the pores.)

Strategy #3: Pull the fire alarm.

This option also seems contradictory, but it’s a helpful trick we always keep up our sleeve. Why? Because as the alarm forces hundreds of people to clear out of Norris in a panicked frenzy, you’ll stay calm and be able to get that Nielsen recruiter right where you want him. Recruiters, as you know, are looking for people with the ability to network in high-pressure situations.

Strategy #4: Print out combustion reactions, hand those to recruiters instead of resumes, then only ominously respond “You’ll see” to any questions.

(Sherman Ave insider tip: CH4(g) + 2 O2(g) → CO2(g) + 2 H2O(g))

Strategy #5: Just introduce yourself!

Ok, like, this is apparently the “normal thing to do” and the “thing that works for everyone else,” but personally, this has never fucking worked for me and I’m starting to get pretty fucking upset about not having Goldman locked and loaded for summer 2021. What am I supposed to do all summer??? Work at some bottom-tier consulting firm with a bunch of bottom-tier geeds?? I’d rather die. Which brings me to our sixth and final strategy.

Tip #6: If all else fails, set yourself on fire.

If it weren’t tried-and-true, it wouldn’t be in the headline. Sure, it’s not the cleanest or the safest and you might not make it out alive, but I for one would rather burn up in flames than work at anything less prestigious than Deloitte. Good luck and happy recruiting season!