Inspired By Bumble’s Aggressive Ad Campaign, Canvas Introduces Feature Allowing You To Swipe On Your Classmates
Reporting by The 13th Reason
A majority of horny—er, we mean, Northwestern—students are familiar with the second-tier online dating app, Bumble. Notably this year, Bumble has posted ads around campus that kind of make you go “huh?” and has even recruited student ambassadors in efforts of increasing engagement with the app. On top of that, Bumble has started to give out free black and yellow striped jackets every Sunday morning at the Jacobs Center just in case yours was stolen at Reza’s! What better way to spend your Caturday in Heavenston than falling victim to a klepto?
Bumble’s successful rise in popularity, however, has left Canvas nearly deserted all year. To combat this deficit, Canvas released a new feature where students can swipe left or right on their classmates. This new feature is accessible within each Canvas page, and since mask mandates are lifted in classrooms, you can now tell who's catfishing with their photo (I’m looking at you, Luke D. he/him). Users can upload the only good picture of themselves from that darty they went to during Dillo last year, compose short bios that mildly resemble their LinkedIn intros, and list their interests and activities like writing satire (major red flag). Students are then able to view each others’ profiles, compare grades, and decide whether they would like to play an elongated game of cat and mouse (because for some reason guys at Northwestern average a screen time of nine hours per day but still won’t text you back and it’s actually all your fault). Once matched, users can even play a Wordle-esque game where they have to guess each other’s NetIDs!
Like Bumble, Canvas also plans to interact with Northwestern students offline. 25Live will begin offering room reservations for hookups, but just before you climax, someone rehearsing in a no-cut acapella group nearby screams “EXAM 1 HAS BEEN GRADED” in semi-perfect…harmony? Dissonance? Who knows. Canvas also plans to sponsor trivia nights at Bob’s, with all of the questions taken from that quiz you have due later this week. Meanwhile, the Canvas student ambassadors are taking advantage of their newfound privileges: making a list, checking it twice, AND playing cupid… Professors and TAs not excluded. They can be spotted everyday at 1am in Mudd to help anyone with their Canvas profiles because, let’s be honest, if you’re still reading this then you probably couldn’t pull otherwise.
Medill sophomore Buster Hyman was excited to see Canvas get into the dating app scene. “Most girls in my classes get annoyed with me because I talk over them, but now I can just hit them up on Canvas mid 9am lecture and in the worst way possible ask if they want to shag afterwards,” Hyman remarked. “Apps like Tinder and Bumble are full of some of Evanston’s worst. Canvas makes it so that hooking up is quick and easy—just like me.” Hyman even shared with us his favorite pick up line to use on the site: “if you like Canvas, I, too, can go down on you for one minute at a random time between 2:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m. every other week ;)”
