Northwestern To Launch New, Even More Alarming Safety Alert

Reporting by Carrie Bradshawshankredemption

During a recent emergency event on Northwestern’s Chicago campus, a text notification was sent out to the student body advising them to “run, hide, and fight.” This message sparked controversy across campus over whether its alarmist language was unproductive during an emergency situation. In response, the administration has decided to double down on this kind of messaging, saying in a recent town hall on NU Safety and Security, “Hey, if you’re gonna yell ‘fire’ in a crowded theatre, may as well do it loud.” The following is their new, updated safety message:

“Run! Fight! Take up arms, my student body! For the only thing standing between us and the end of all things is you! The storm clouds gather on our horizon, and you are charged with the task of heeding the call of NU Safety Alerts. Will you back down, my countrymen? Or will you charge forth into that wretched, inky night to preserve the glory of this campus? The choice is yours. Run and hide, but do not cower. Go onward, instead. From now until your next class period, and thenceforth into infinity. Show bravery eternal, for the soul of a Wildcat is not fickle. Know this: there are those among us for whom there is no return. But fret not. Instead, hold fast in the knowledge that they shall not perish under undue circumstances. Their memories shall live on in us. Setting a fire in our hearts that will blaze on and on, carrying their spirits toward the great Fran’s in the sky. Go now. Fight, and do not stop until you know it, that feeling as tireless as a wildfire on an open prairie. It is up to you, Wildcats. Message and data rates may apply.”