I Called My Asian Friend By the Name of a Different Asian Friend and Everything Changed

Tim, Tim, Timmy, Timmo… I could still hear his name ringing through my head. Tim, Timothy, Timotheé… God, the glasses, the sun in my eyes, the size of HIS eyes, I remember it all like it was yesterday. Two hours ago, I called Tim Yang from Stats 210 by the name of David Lee from Bobb. I wondered how I could have been so stupid, what I could have done better, and most importantly, what this said about me.

This is my story.

So here’s the thing. I’m a straight white male. I’m not ashamed of it but it’s definitely something I need to come clean about. I mean, it doesn’t really help my case here. I’m sure all of you are thinking “Ohhh the white man did it again! And, like, not in a good way!” And I know I messed up, but get this: people get my name wrong all the time, too. 

Like the time my TA called me “dude” and “bro” all quarter. Like c’mon Austin, I know we’re in the same frat, and like, Phi Delt for life, but I’m a person too.

Or that time when my Spanish teacher kept saying my name funny. Like really? If I’m doing your accent, can’t you try to do mine?

And don’t even get me started on all of the baristas that have spelled my name wrong. Do you know how much it sucks to have to go by a different, more palatable name at every Starbucks?

Now, I know you’re all thinking “Woah, Leighton, wait that kinda sucks.” But let me stop you right there. Because yeah, it does suck. Having a name that has a popular alternate spelling has made a few things in life pretty difficult for me. But stop it guys, this isn’t about me. This is about them (the Asians).

I’m sure that now you’re all thinking “Maybe you’re being too hard on yourself on Leighton.” I’m not. Now is the time to be hard on myself. We can’t keep letting white people slip up like this. To effectively cleanse my soul of these sins and lift this burden of guilt from my broad shoulders, ever since the incident, I haven’t said hi to a single Asian person I’ve passed, even if they were my friends. No point in hurting any more of them; they’ve suffered enough. On top of that, I didn’t even let myself get Asiana Foodville at Norris because even I, the white man, am self-aware enough to know that it’s #toosoon. But I will say that I did use chopsticks to eat my Caesar salad at lunchtime, and I think it really allowed me to put myself in their shoes (or wait, don’t they like not wear shoes? Hm, note to self: look at the feet of the next Asian person you see to see if they wear shoes). Then later, I actually happened to run into that Asian chick I’ve been hooking up with which was *chef’s kiss* perfect timing. I knew what I had to do. As she passed by to say hi, I took one look at her and said, “You know we can never be together. And I know we both know why.” I didn’t think I had the balls to do it, but I needed to do it so I did.

At this point, I’m sure you’re all thinking: “Slow down there Leighton, leave some good Samaritan work for the rest of us!” Stop it, you guys. I will keep punishing myself until I get this shit right...which is why I signed up for Intro to Asian American studies next quarter.

Don’t worry, don’t worry. I read the CTECs and it seems pretty easy so that’s a green light there. And the class is only like 15 people so fewer names to mix up, am I right?

But most importantly...

I’m not sure if you’ll ever see this man, but I’m sorry David. Keep rocking those glasses, keep being you, and don’t let the racists hold you back. Maybe one day, we can study together or something; I’m sure you’re killing it in stats.

Edit: Author was referring to Tim in his closing remarks.

2nd Edit: Tim Yang isn’t actually “killing it in stats.” He’s a perfectly mediocre student.

3rd Edit: Author dropped the Intro to Asian American Studies after “feeling weird” being “the odd man out.”

4rd Edit: we recently confirmed that Leighton was indeed referring in the 3rd edit to being the only white person in the classroom.