4 Galentine’s Gifts to Suss Out Your Girl Crush's Sexuality

Look sharp, ladies! Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and everyone is asking, who’s gonna be boo? The most difficult part of the holiday is sleuthing around like a horny Great Mouse Detective to figure out whether your steamy gal-pal is a gorgeous lemon drop you can get your mouth around, or if she’s a certified Coldplay fan (she’s straight). But don’t sweat it, girlboss, because we’ve got all the gifts that will surely reveal whether or not that juicy booty in Lipstick Theater had Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku collection growing up (if you know what I mean).

BTW: this article is for GIRLS ONLY! If you’re a boy (gross), check out this guide.

1. Monk Season 4 on DVD

Turn her on by turning on this timeless classic, starring Tony Shaloub (*swoon*) as a private detective with crippling Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Any queer worth their salt will know every word to the theme song, famously sung by gay icon Randy Newman. 

2. A sturdy pair of kitchen gloves

Watch them snap these bad boys on. Thick yellow rubber? Fuzzy polyester lining? What more could you say? For some extra oomph, pair with a bottle of Drain-O and you might as well be the titular characters in the L-Word reboot.

3. A tandem kayak

Life Hack! Take her kayaking and watch the ripples in the water as she gracefully paddles forth. Clear your mind and scry into the water. Tap into the frequency of the elements and reach out with the elder god that ordains the natural world. Commit to a battle of wills with this entity and rise victorious as Gaia, the raw essence of chaos and nature. You no longer need worldly connections–only the ever-changing rhythm of creation and destruction. With your god-like power as a backup plan, just ask her who she’s into. You can’t lose!

4. Those spiky rubber stud earrings from Claire’s

Cute and nostalgic! Talking about your childhood might open a conversation about love. Don’t be afraid to wear your heart on your sleeve, or in this case, your wlw on your earlobes. 

But don’t worry if you can’t figure it out, kween. You can always just wait the obligatory five to ten years for her to “figure stuff out,” then Facebook message to ask if she would maybe possibly want to get a coffee sometime???? Totally fine if you're busy…