Freshman Guide to Convincing Racists That You Have Coronavirus

The Asian plague is upon us. No, I’m not talking about golden hour at main (if you got an Asian fetish, the hot spot is info commons at 10pm on the dot). I’m talking about the other yellow fever: the Coronavirus. I could be paranoid, but I feel like I’m being judged right now for being an international student from Asia. Calm down guys. I’m sniffling because I just had coke a cold. To be fair, I don’t know if they’re judging me because I’m Asian… or because I purposefully cough aggressively on them. Regardless, I have compiled the most effective ways of making racists believe you have the Coronavirus. 

1. Be Asian 

Congratulations. You’re done. If you’re not Asian, move on to step 2.

2. Pretend to be Asian

Scream any Asian language into your phone and casually drop in some English words like “infection,” “severe,” and “Coronavirus” so the racists know exactly what you’re talking about. Yes, the disease originated from China, but racists can’t tell the difference between all the ching chong dialects anyway. If you can’t speak an Asian language, just talk in gibberish. Remember: it’s all the same. 

3. Fake Contaminate 

Whenever you get the chance, cough violently on your peers and blow your nose like you’re trying to snort out all that coke snot. Make sure everyone knows you’re going to Searle. But let’s be real, you’ll probably actually contract the Coronavirus before Searle makes itself useful. I just want to be clear you are not trying to mock those who are suffering from the virus; you are trying to inflict that same degree of suffering on the racists, as they experience the mental anguish of believing they have been infected by you.

4. Bullshit

A true racist will be uninformed and susceptible to bullshit. Tell them the hot dog you’re eating is made of bat meat, which is, to their surprise, not made of dog. Or more convincingly, tell them you are patient zero and that’s your picture from the news. Just like distinguishing Asian languages, they can’t tell the difference. Final plot twist: the Asian person they’ve been judging is actually the doctor (not surprising), and they’re the Coronavirus patient. 

I never imagined I could fit this many racist Asian stereotypes into one “how to” article. It’s only fair I make one about Americans. To the American idiot who told me “International Asians are so stupid. They contracted the Coronavirus because they eat everything,” tell that to your country’s obesity rate. In conclusion, racists fuck off… or I’ll cough on you.