Quarterly Review: Spring Fucking Sucked Too
Winter quarter sucks, but “wait until spring!” they said. Warm weather, darties, fun, happiness, a will to live. News flash. Spring quarter sucks.
The weather made dressing properly impossible so you got sick. You caught a bug but “health services” wouldn’t do anything because they’re about as useful as James Charles apology video, which was in fact, the real plague on campus. Everywhere you looked, packs of college adults watched BYE SISTERS from a single iPhone and rejoiced as they refreshed the subscriber count every 10 seconds.
Searle couldn’t unclog your nostrils, so you resorted to oral breathing. Then you really caught a bug… in your fucking mouth. The gnats formed gangs around campus and attacked you as aggressively as the internet attacked sister James. And after the rain, worms writhed all over the pavement, or worst yet, tried to do little sit ups. What’s more, the skunks came out of hibernation, blasting you with their overpowering stink. It could be them or just the smell of fermenting hopes that you’d get a summer internship.
The only words of comfort that could be offered were “at least there’s still Dillo Day!” But there was no way bouncing up and down on the lakefill, pretending to know 7 artists you’ve never heard of, or flashing A$AP Ferg (and, consequently, the entire Northwestern population) could acquit all the Ls you’ve taken this quarter.
You fully expected Dillo Day to grant you a 5.0 GPA, a shining new asshole, and a zest for life. But since you were horribly disappointed, you vowed to take a non-removable wristband and permanently attach yourself to the nearest Mayfest staff in an act of protest.
And of course the shitty weather couldn’t miss out on the opportunity to ruin Dillo Day as well, so all day you played Russian roulette with the forecasted 60% chance of electrocution. But honestly, you probably should have been struck by lighting and finally gotten the jolting realization that spring quarter indeed SUCKS, too. But I heard sophomore fall is SO fun. Like, come on. Tailgates! See you guys in September!
