5 Reasons That I, Your Roommate, Am Definitely Not Secretly Your Dad Trying To Keep an Eye On You
You did it, champ! You moved into your dorm room, said goodbye to the ‘rents, and now you’re officially an independent adult. But then you met me, your roommate, and you seemed to be suspicious for some reason.
When we shook hands for the first time you said, “You kinda look like my dad if he shaved and put on a little propellor hat.” Well, young man, that is complete malarkey. There is absolutely no way that I am your father who enrolled here just to keep an eye on you, little guy. And to prove it, I will debunk all the reasons that you think I am the giver of your life.
#1: Those Pictures of Your Family I Hung on The Wall
Remember when you came in the room, and I had hung up a bunch of pictures of your family? Well as I’ve told you, it’s just because I really want you to feel at home, and I don’t mind giving up some of my wall space! I thought it would be a fun surprise, but you made a big fuss about it and freaked out when I pulled your baby pictures out of my wallet. Get over yourself.
#2: Weird Reactions When You Call Your Dad
I know you think it’s peculiar that whenever you call your dad, I panic and run out of the room, but it is not because my phone is ringing! It’s just that whenever you call your dad it reminds me that I should call my own father, because those paternal relationships are the most important things in the world. Real cat’s cradle situation.
#3: I’m Always Questioning Your Outfits
You can’t go out dressed like that and expect me not to comment. Are you trying to catch pneumonia and die?? When I was your age, my friend Beezo went out in the rain without a jacket and you know where he is now? He’s dead, he died after a lengthy battle with what we called The City Illness. And this was 7 months ago! Because that’s when I was your age!
#4: My Overprotectiveness of Your Virginity
Look kid, you know I’m rooting for you to get your beef buffed, you know I’d love to see you engage in the shaking of the sheets, but I want to make sure it’s with the right person. So when you bring a girl back to the dorm, and I’m wearing a novelty tee that says “Guns don’t kill people, dads with handsome sons kill people,” you have to understand it’s just a figure of speech.
#5: That One Time You Walked Into The Room and I Was Having Sex With Your Mother
Alright, this one looks pretty bad, I’ll admit it. But what can I say? Your mother is a fetching woman, and I’m a virile young man in his prime! I’m sorry to your father, he seems like a wonderful, handsome, and well-endowed man, but love conquers all.
In conclusion, my boy, I am definitely not your dad. I’m your cool roommate. If your dad were here though, he’d certainly want you to know just how proud he is.
